Now Begin Again: The Poem That Started this Adventure of an Unconventional Life

October 30, 2024 by jjscreativelifemidwife

This month of remembering how close I came to death alongside the reality that my time is no longer as expansive as it was when I wrote this poem 25 years ago.

Its message is timeless and I am choosing, now, to begin again. Again.

Now Begin, the Poem –

Take away the degrees, titles accomplishments –

What is discovered at your core?

What is that unique, special spark

You’ve buried deep, neglected, chosen to ignore?

Seeking to please whomever

Drowning out pure longings from your heart

Struggling, freezing, suffocating

Until finally, you choose to start –

Whispers from the spirit –

Souls song from deep within

After dancing, stranger among strangers

Claim it. Your life. Now begin.

Thank you for following along as the healing has continued. May you be blessed as you claim your life and begin…. once again.

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🎯 My aim is to create content here that inspires and instructs – if there is ever a topic you would like for me to explore, please reach out and tell me. My ultimate goal is to create posts, videos and more that speak to your desires as well as mine because where these two intersect, our collaborative, joyful energy ignites into a fire of love, light and passionate creativity.

Lessons Learned & Fires Ignited

October 30, 2024 by jjscreativelifemidwife

The biggest change after I almost died was creating projects that kept me deeply connected to life as it unfolded around me.

I started three different 377 consecutive day projects that helped see me through the Covid19 pandemic, the death of both my parents and my youngest brother, multiple family crises and an attempted move and finally a move to the East Coast to finally try to live out my life dreams.

I haven’t quite accomplished that yet, but I am much closer now than I was in 2019.

Considering how much happened in the interim, I am proud of myself for learning to go more slowly and revel in making my work sparkle instead of hustling and pushing.

My projects included: 377 Haiku in 377 days; 377 Tree hugs (or more) in 377 days (and it is still continuing – not every day but I have hugged trees in 20 different states in the United States and have learned all about champion trees, celebrity trees and more. The last project has continued beyond 377 – writing “Good Morning, Love” and homage to my mother who used to greet me like that every day.

I have found I love living alone but I wish I had someone to say “Good Morning” to every day. Now I say “Good Morning, Love” to my facebook friends and others. I may move it to substack in the future – we will see. For now, showing up and continuing to move forward with love is the very best I can do.

Julie Jordan Scott, writer, creativity coach, award winning actor walking in the woods — Julie Jordan Scott, walking in the woods

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🎁 Your presence here makes me feel grateful.

✍🏻I am a writer first, writing & creativity coach, multi passionate creative next. Writing has always been my anchor art and to her I always return. Thankfully, with great love.

Life After: My Vulnerable Sharing Five Years Ago leads to more Self-Compassion Now

October 29, 2024 by jjscreativelifemidwife

One of the most important aspects of this blog series is rediscovering the experiences from five years ago from a space of deep compassion. I’ve realized how detached I have been from this experience, perhaps because it is frightening to remember and so many other “more important” things have happened since then. More on that tomorrow.

For now, this is what I said to my friends near and far on October 29, 2019 –

I’m recovering at home, slowly and surely. The most inconsistent part of this process is my mood.

Vulnerability alert: Since I’ve been home, I’ve been afraid of a lot of random things. Lately I’ve been afraid when my hands are cold. When Sepsis descended and death came close, that was what I felt, so very cold – and the nurse (at least how I remember it) wrapped my hands in heated sheets.

Sometimes I’m afraid of falling asleep.

I’m sometimes afraid of eating and even get worried about my medicines. And yes, I talked to my doctor about this.

My senses have also become really acute. My sense of smell is what I imagine is animal like, my hearing fine tuned.

Five years ago, I was recovering from a near death experience. This is how I looked - not horrible, but I can see the sadness and worry in my eyes.

Today I wrote using my computer for the first time. I don’t know what was scaring me about that, but my resistance is high. I think a part of me has another part of me convinced if I start writing some of what happened, the emotions will be too much. Considering I have an irrational fear of choking that got worse in the hospital, it makes sense because when I cry hard I often choke or vomit.

Nonetheless, I am grateful:

I am grateful I spoke with Samuel last night. We talked mostly about his Japanese class. I miss that kid. He’s the best. I’m also excited the UNLV esports team is doing a mental health fund raiser. They get it.

I am grateful Emma is doing well in her first run as a director. Her work is a part of the Bakersfield College One Act festival this Friday & Saturday. She cast her play thoughtfully and the actors are working hard. I love hearing all about it. I’ll be there Friday! It’s only $5! Show your support!

I am grateful for naps.

I am grateful for lemonade and cranberry juice.

I am grateful for fluffy textures and soft pillows.

I am grateful for people who think critically and read facts.

I am grateful for Greta Gerwig. Can’t wait for “Little Women”!!

I am grateful for prayers…. so grateful.

I am grateful for my daughter Queenta Atem on her birthday – God bless this woman!

I am grateful for Moth storytelling videos.

Most importantly, five-years-later me adds: I am so grateful I chose to survive and have experienced so much wonder and joy since I earnestly wrote the words above.

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✍🏻I am a writer first, writing & creativity coach, multi passionate creative next. Writing has always been my anchor art and to her I always return. Thankfully, with great love.

October 28: Moving Forward Towards Love’s Infinite Harvest

October 28, 2024 by jjscreativelifemidwife

How can I look into the eyes of myself, five years ago, and remind her to reach into the question we started asking yesterday – “How can I be love’s infinite harvest?”

On August 19 of this year I posted a Welsh proverb on instagram: “A seed hidden in the heart of an apple is an invisible orchard.”

When I look into my five year’s ago eyes, I think “I see you yearning for something. Is it simply feeling better?”

On this day five years ago after almost a month of silence I filled in my instagram audience on what was happening to me. I was explaining my silence.

I imagine I lightened it up for them. I know I didn’t say I had Valley Fever because at that time I still hadn’t gotten a definitive diagnosis. I may have written something about moving forward, about healing, something outwardly very optimistic while inside I was weary and discouraged.

The person I have become would be much more factual, much more “this is where I am,” much like the person I am now doesn’t speak up as quickly to share my side of the story if it may cause harm or damage or take up more space for the person I am talking to than necessary.

This is different than unconsciously burying emotions, this is being in the present and opting to hold the emotions I have gently while honoring myself and whomever I am in conversation with – to allow that person to hold their emotions gently, too, without my fully fleshed out thoughts and opinions overshadow their emerging discovery.

I think I am getting it more clearly now.

The me of 2024 hasn’t allowed the 2019 me to share her emerging story – perhaps this is what the love’s infinite harvest.

A collaborative harvest cannot rise up and appear if we don’t allow each voice, each chapter, each stanza, each season – it’s due time.

For today, I will sit with this and return tomorrow morning to see what she has to say.

If you didn’t read yesterday’s blog post, here is a review of the closing section:

On this Sunday or next Sunday, will you please take a moment to reflect upon where you have been for the last five years.

What do you remember?

What can you imagine for the next five years?

How will you invest your precious time and energy?

I don’t mean the big mountain top stuff, I mean the everyday moments in time where the truest, most infinite love lives.

In October, 2021, I wrote this question to consider in my own life: “How can I be love’s infinite harvest?”

This was around the time I was new to the manse and manse life, still in early recovery from Valley Fever, sepsis and trying so hard to move on with my life and complete some of my best projects.

I had no idea what I was in for – the good, the horrifying, the dull and the dull ache moments.

For the rest of the month, I will be asking it again, myself, on repeat.

Perhaps you will join me in asking this question for yourself, too. Please let me know if you do –

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🎁 Your presence here makes me feel grateful.

✍🏻I am a writer first, writing & creativity coach, multi passionate creative next. Writing has always been my anchor art and to her I always return. Thankfully, with great love.

The Bridge to Continued Healing: Unexpected Gratitude & Delight

October 25, 2024 by jjscreativelifemidwife

Five years ago today I went to the home of Tanya, a neighborhood friend, to meet with some other ladies to have a deep discussion and watch a Ted talk.

I met Tanya from a neighborhood book club and didn’t know her very well and was surprised and delighted when she visited me in the hospital.

I think this is why I trusted her and went to her home: she lived close to me (so this felt safe). The other women I didn’t know were fellow Moms with children close to my children’s age (so this felt safe.) Deep conversations are among my favorite activity so I knew it wouldn’t be taxing and I knew I could talk at the level of my own current abilities (and this felt safe.)

I am reminded that next time I visit Bakersfield, I will be more intentional to visit more people who have impacted me with their presence in ways I sometimes overlook.

This is a simple way to take gratitude deeper and add soulful delight to someone else’s day as they added to my life, perhaps not realizing it.

I will remember this for the last week of this blog series – the perfect bridge to November’s biggest American Holiday – Thanksgiving.

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🎁 Your presence here makes me feel grateful.

✍🏻I am a writer first, writing & creativity coach, multi passionate creative next. Writing has always been my anchor art and to her I always return. Thankfully, with great love.

How Friends Help in Surprising Ways

October 23, 2024 by jjscreativelifemidwife

“What is an activity that ALWAYS makes Julie feel better afterwards than she felt before?”

Visiting and feeding ducks always makes Julie feel better.

On this day, five years ago, my dear friend Cameron picked me up and shepherded me to Hart Park where together we fed ducks AND we were met by another dear friend who doesn’t like visiting hospitals but was glad to get to meet me “on the outside.”

Cameron and I have a history of duck feeding together and with other people: my children, random other children, friends.

There is an artform to duck feeding, one we created, which includes the entire bird ecosphere at Hart Park.

There are times when I may be completely intent on something else and he will randomly say “Let’s go feed ducks” – which includes, with him, getting bird seed and doing the duck feeding the right way, not my long ago way of getting a cheap loaf of bread and tossing in chunks of bread by the handful.

I mended my ways once I discovered the better way to feed wildlife – though it is probably best to leave them to their own nutritional devices.

On that day five years ago, in addition to feeding ducks and birds I dropped my phone into the pond at Hart Park and was completely bereft but Cameron reached in and grabbed it and nothing bad happened.

I remember in my weakness being terrified because my phone had been and would continue to be a very important connector that kept me balanced and stable while hospitalized.

It would take me a while before I was willing to use a computer or my notebooks with any level of consistency.

The ducks at Hart Park and communicating with friends who were helping me heal… two important factors in my healing.

Ironically, I have not fed any ducks in my current part-of-the-globe though as a child, I regularly fed ducks with friends.

Maybe the needs haven’t been the same. I will contemplate this for a while, perhaps focusing on observing the birds and ducks instead of creating a dependency for either of us – though maybe a bird feeder in winter?

I will contemplate. 🙂

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🎁 Your presence here makes me feel grateful.

✍🏻I am a writer first, writing & creativity coach, multi passionate creative next. Writing has always been my anchor art and to her I always return. Thankfully, with great love.

Five Years Ago, I Unconsciously Went Silent

October 22, 2024 by jjscreativelifemidwife

Five years ago, I went silent.

I chose invisibility. I chose to crawl into silence, again, as that was what I believed would bring me the most comfort. Was it? Did it? I don’t know for certain if it did. I didn’t feel lonely or bereft.

I mostly felt disconnected.

I mostly didn’t understand.

I couldn’t answer any semblance of “the why.”

I didn’t feel motivated to do much of anything.

I remember people coming to the door with food I didn’t want. No one asked what I wanted.

No one suggested this or that.

People took the words they liked and pushed them into my mouth, nodding.

“So great that you’re home!”

Yes. So great to be home, sitting in this corner of the living room in a daze.

I remember pushing my computer aside, pushing my notebooks aside and thinking about this was not how I expected life to be after Samuel left for college.

This was supposed to be my time for freedom, not my time for sitting in a recliner feeling listless and the exact opposite of being alive.

I showed up minimally before returning always to the corner of the living room, returning relieved, to silence.

Until today, I didn’t know it was on October 22 that the curtain on withdrawal rose on my life stage for a season, the season before Covid19 spread itself out around the world.

There is joy, a quiet joy, in making time to see this experience. To listen to my silence. To come to understand, to love, to honor those moments and mindfully bring myself back with compassion, optimism and relentless hope.

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🎁 Your presence here makes me feel grateful.

✍🏻I am a writer first, writing & creativity coach, multi passionate creative next. Writing has always been my anchor art and to her I always return. Thankfully, with great love.

The Morning I Woke Up at Home Again After I Visited the Palo Verde Tree

October 21, 2024 by jjscreativelifemidwife

It isn’t like a magic wand swept over my life and proclaimed, “Congratulations! You are on the outside!”

On the last day in the hospital, there are some crystal clear memories:

My nurse offered me an “as needed” medicine for my mood (very helpful).

My nurse did not communicate to me clearly about getting my horrible PICC line taken out of my arm.

My PICC line was one of my least favorite parts of my hospital experiences. The installation was rather dehumanizing. In retrospect, being in the ICU included a lot of dehumanizing experiences.

If you are wondering “What is a PICC line, anyway” I will explain it briefly, but even in explaining it I get squirmy and uncomfortable. PICC is the abbreviated name for peripherally inserted central catheter. It is a long, thin tube that is inserted through a vein in your arm and passed through to the larger veins near your heart.

I remember one medical pro seeming to be annoyed that I had a PICC line installed. After I sort of understood more what it is, I can see how they might not like it. On the other hand, my veins roll a lot and after a couple days in the hospital, they were getting pretty scarred up.

My PICC line was uncomfortable, probably because they put small, weighted balls on the end, I suppose to keep it safer.

I wanted it out but because the initial installation was so unpleasant I was not looking forward to it coming out AND I knew it was a necessity to go home.

I remember wondering when they were going to take it out, I even wondered aloud.

“She offered to take it out and you said no,” I was told.

“I did?” I was confused. “I want it out, let’s get her back in here.”

The PICC line came was removed without any pain and with that, the full speed ahead train to release me happened and I was rolled out the door and all I wanted to do was go to the bluffs. I wanted to go sit by a tree. I wanted to be outside and smell the dry, burnt air of Bakersfield.

The familiar, post summer scent of burnt grasses smelled like home. The bluffs were a sign of normalcy.

Emma, Ken and I walked – I hobbled – to a bench where I wanted to be quiet and just look out at the familiar scene. I needed to feel as normal as possible.

When I was in one spot, I felt pretty normal. When I got up to move about, I felt ancient and exhausted. I didn’t realize this would become my new normal for a while.

I didn’t know the roughest times post-almost-dying were on the horizon.

I simply wanted to feel better. Normal-adjacent would be better than spending another day trapped in a hospital bed. At least that was my hope and prayer.

# # #

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🎁 Your presence here makes me feel grateful.

✍🏻I am a writer first, writing & creativity coach, multi passionate creative next. Writing has always been my anchor art and to her I always return. Thankfully, with great love.

The Day Before Resilience Found Me

October 18, 2024 by jjscreativelifemidwife

The day before this day I had my least favorite hospital roommate.

On the step down unit from the ICU I understood I was to behave almost in the ICU way: In the stepdown I was still hooked to more wires than I would like to be. I was to stay in bed most of the day. Chill. Be calm. Do as I am told.

My roommate clearly did not want to be there. She was out of her bed almost the whole time. She made up her bed, I remembered wondering why she did that. She had visitors most of the time. Maybe it was that she was taught when you wake up you get out of bed and you make your bed right away.

I have a lot more compassion for her now than I did then, when I was fussy in my own way. Another thing she did was completely ignore my existence. The next day I was put into a new room, a windowless to me room, and my roommate was snuggling with her man when I arrived in the middle of the night.

Other people moved in and out of this room and I was stuck there for several days waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Re-reading my first day there, I can feel the crusty-ness in my writing. I refused to pretend to be cheerful in this room. In the end, it served me authentically and well.

There is no window available from my new bed. It could be anytime of day or night but the clock tells me it is 7:14 am.

I’m off the step-down unit so I was totally unprepared for the loud alarm to sound when I had the audacity to take myself to the restroom at 5:30. All I wanted was to be able to use the restroom without having the nuisance of an alarm stop me.

Today we will see whether I need dialysis or not. So many prayers for healing from friends and strangers alike. Makes me feel loved.

4:40 pm update- creatinine levels are finally declining which means things are on the mend. Please continue to pray for the rest of the way – and hopefully on Sunday I’ll be home again.

1. I am grateful to you for reading. Some of you have reflected about how I have helped you or inspired you into action I had no idea about until reading your comments here. Seeing them in writing is so helpful because I can read them and pinch myself over and over again… and smile.

2. I am grateful for TwitchTV. I got to watch Samuel having great fun last night (for those who don’t know my son is a Freshman at UNLV and plays competitive video games there that are live-streamed. It’s a great way for me to get a visual on him.) What most mommies really love.

3. I am grateful for the nurses I have gotten to know. I’m happy I moved to this floor because I saw my favorite conversation partner this week. She sang out, “Julie! I’ve been thinking of you!” Being remembered is an ultimate compliment.

2024 me says: Nurses are (mostly) saints.

🌟 Creative Life Coach & Muse Cultivator

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🎁 Your presence here makes me feel grateful.

✍🏻I am a writer first, writing & creativity coach, multi passionate creative next. Writing has always been my anchor art and to her I always return. Thankfully, with great love.

Documenting the Days: On the Way to Beginning Again

October 18, 2024 by jjscreativelifemidwife

Reviewing my life via the last five October 17ths is so intriguing.

I would have forgotten so much specificity.

Two years ago I learned Katherine was pregnant in a comedy of errors. Ken texted me and asked how long I knew about the baby.

“Baby?” I texted “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I immediately leaped to Emma, since she was on the west coast with him and then I thought “Samuel?”

Emma started texting me then, attempting to run some version of interference.

“Emma, do you have something to tell me?”

Meanwhile they reached out to Katherine to confess they had received a card in the mail in Bakersfield which beat all the other cards to other places and even before I was told in person.

More bewildering to me is that she held onto this secret for three months.

Apparently she didn’t get the Mom-code memo the future maternal Grandma gets to know first. 🙈🤦🏻‍♀️

All of this overshadows the memories from five years ago when I was stuck in a hospital holding pattern.

The worst thing was my PICC line and feeling like I was being held hostage.

They were starting to threaten me with the need for dialysis since my kidneys were not bouncing back like they hoped.

I wondered if I would get out of the hospital.

Grandbabies? An impossibility.

Possibly going through dialysis at that time was a probability – and back then I didn’t have the awareness to know how that would have impacted my entire life.

😢

Today my Grandbaby was her charming self – and it took a lot of energy to be with her and reminded me that I need to have more structured activities for her in addition to free play. Just fun things to do together which for this little girl includes chores and conversation.

And today she started using Spanish. She said “agua” and “water” while drinking water. She said “amiga” and “adios” in exactly the correct context.

I’m alive. I’m active in her life. So far from when I hovered on death and was numb and stricken silent on my way back to get better.

Do any of these experiences resonate with you?

🌟 Creative Life Coach & Muse Cultivator

🎨 | Award-Winning Writer/Actor/Storyteller

🌱 | Empowering Your Second Act

🎉| New Courses/Programs Coming soon!

🎁 Your presence here makes me feel grateful.

✍🏻I am a writer first, writing & creativity coach, multi passionate creative next. Writing has always been my anchor art and to her I always return. Thankfully, with great love.