How can I look into the eyes of myself, five years ago, and remind her to reach into the question we started asking yesterday – “How can I be love’s infinite harvest?”
On August 19 of this year I posted a Welsh proverb on instagram: “A seed hidden in the heart of an apple is an invisible orchard.”
When I look into my five year’s ago eyes, I think “I see you yearning for something. Is it simply feeling better?”
On this day five years ago after almost a month of silence I filled in my instagram audience on what was happening to me. I was explaining my silence.
I imagine I lightened it up for them. I know I didn’t say I had Valley Fever because at that time I still hadn’t gotten a definitive diagnosis. I may have written something about moving forward, about healing, something outwardly very optimistic while inside I was weary and discouraged.
The person I have become would be much more factual, much more “this is where I am,” much like the person I am now doesn’t speak up as quickly to share my side of the story if it may cause harm or damage or take up more space for the person I am talking to than necessary.
This is different than unconsciously burying emotions, this is being in the present and opting to hold the emotions I have gently while honoring myself and whomever I am in conversation with – to allow that person to hold their emotions gently, too, without my fully fleshed out thoughts and opinions overshadow their emerging discovery.
I think I am getting it more clearly now.
The me of 2024 hasn’t allowed the 2019 me to share her emerging story – perhaps this is what the love’s infinite harvest.
A collaborative harvest cannot rise up and appear if we don’t allow each voice, each chapter, each stanza, each season – it’s due time.
For today, I will sit with this and return tomorrow morning to see what she has to say.
If you didn’t read yesterday’s blog post, here is a review of the closing section:
On this Sunday or next Sunday, will you please take a moment to reflect upon where you have been for the last five years.
What do you remember?
What can you imagine for the next five years?
How will you invest your precious time and energy?
I don’t mean the big mountain top stuff, I mean the everyday moments in time where the truest, most infinite love lives.
In October, 2021, I wrote this question to consider in my own life: “How can I be love’s infinite harvest?”
This was around the time I was new to the manse and manse life, still in early recovery from Valley Fever, sepsis and trying so hard to move on with my life and complete some of my best projects.
I had no idea what I was in for – the good, the horrifying, the dull and the dull ache moments.
For the rest of the month, I will be asking it again, myself, on repeat.
Perhaps you will join me in asking this question for yourself, too. Please let me know if you do –
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