Creative Life Midwife

Inspiring Artistic Rebirth

Day 8: Healing More Deeply: 31 Days of (Self) Belonging

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“The place of true healing is a fierce place. It’s a giant place. It’s a place of monstrous beauty and endless dark and glimmering light. And you have to work really, really, really hard to get there, but you can do it.”

Cheryl Strayed

It was only after I published on my blog yesterday and on instagram that I realized something in the story I told about being invisible in the hallway at work/school.

I chose to focus on the student who didn’t see me instead of the student who most definitely saw me and called out his pal for not paying better attention.

Yesterday morning as I wrote, I discovered a blog post from 2019 about healing – and it tied what I had experienced on Friday with what I am experiencing as a process now – a process back to honoring both my own uniqueness and yours through this study of belonging.

There are people who see us in all our vivid uniqueness, your walking invitation to be valued by you and welcomed into your world AND there are people who are busy with whatever they are busy with as they do their daily version of being their best.

I am not sure if I mentioned it here before, but I am sharing my daily findings of being a believing mirror to myself using Instagram Stories which also show up on my Writing Camp with JJS page.

I am getting excellent feedback on this series which you may read here on the blog as well as in a shorter version on Instagram and on the Writing Camp page.

Finally, my friend, we have 84 days left in 2023. How will you invest your days to bring 2023 to a satisfying end?

Julie JordanScott is a Creative Life Coach, an award-winning storyteller, actor and poet whose photos and mixed media art graces the walls of collectors across the United States. Her writing has appeared on the New York Times Best Sellers List, the Amazon best sellers list and on American Greetings Holiday cards (and other greeting cards). She currently lives in a manse in Sussex, NJ, where she has recently finished her most recent book project, hugging trees daily and enjoys having random inspirational conversations with strangers.

Follow on Instagram to Watch exclusive reels, videos, stories and posts about writing and the creative process.

Let our Words Flow Writing Community: the only one missing is you! Join us in the Private Writing Group

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Day 6: 31 Days of (Self) Belonging toward Forgiveness

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Friday Check In: A Weekly Recap of Discoveries in Belonging.

This week has been rather astounding when I sit at my desk and dissect the week in words. What came into my mind and heart as I wrote that sentence was looking at the week both with a magnifying glass and a wide lens I see how much work I have done to get closer to both a sense of self-belonging, but also create a deeper context of belonging here in this world and body I inhabit.

Maybe it is in the elasticity that grief may allow us to create within – or maybe it is the elasticity of being comfortable with loss after loss after loss… I am thinking about a photo I saw of a group of dancers in Martha Graham’s troupe that might illustrate elasticity visually, to help show what I am trying to communicate.

I found the image I was meant to find only to discover the costume created the context for a dance titled “lamentations” about grief. To read more about it, visit here when you finish reading this post.

Martha Graham’s dance was not about the growth of grief – well, I ought not say that until I watch the dance closely, and maybe do some form of my personalized iteration in the best way I can.

Some key takeaways on Self-Belonging this week:

  1. I started sharing celebrations of self-belonging in my instagram stories at night before I go to sleep. I have no idea how these will go over, but the requirement to catalog my experience already feels important.
  2. Divine delivery increases when I opened the door to self-belonging. The level of synchronicities multiply and expand. 
  3. Self-belonging has a strong element, at least in my case, of re-parenting. Somehow now that both of my parents are gone, I don’t feel disloyal in claiming aspects of their parenting that wasn’t well suited to me – just like I know and will admit my parenting wasn’t always suited to my children. Samuel has been brave enough to tell me this and because of his blunt honesty, I have grown both as a parent and as a human.

I am invigorated and excited to continue with this project of discovery, forgiveness and love – which is a bit of the bridge into next week as I live into the question:

What is ready to be forgiven (or ripening to forgiveness)?

I invite you to join me engaging with the question. Any thoughts are welcome in the comments.

Julie JordanScott is a Creative Life Coach, an award-winning storyteller, actor and poet whose photos and mixed media art graces the walls of collectors across the United States. Her writing has appeared on the New York Times Best Sellers List, the Amazon best sellers list and on American Greetings Holiday cards (and other greeting cards). She currently lives in a manse in Sussex, NJ, where she has recently finished her most recent book project, hugging trees daily and enjoys having random inspirational conversations with strangers.

Follow on Instagram to Watch exclusive reels, videos, stories and posts about writing and the creative process.

Let our Words Flow Writing Community: the only one missing is you! Join us in the Private Writing Group

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Day 5: 31 Days of (Self) Belonging

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I find belonging in my notebooks. Whatever notebook I happen to be writing in at that time.

I used to write morning pages a la Julia Cameron: 3 pages of longhand writing as close to first thing in the morning as possible.

I loved it for a long time until I didn’t. I did love free writing, always have – and I do like the container of 3 pages AND I needed to have structure with freedom.

After a long dry spell and serious resistance to doing them again, I started doing some modifications to the model that all included a free flow writing element. I created something I call the Roll Over and Write Journal: Where your words are always right.

I write for however long and however much I feel compelled to write close to when I go to sleep and close to when I wake up. Sometimes I write a lot, sometimes I write a little, sometimes I write my dreams so I can do some early- in- the-day analysis. 

At night I may ask my highest self, I call her Julianne, questions. It allows me to dump problematic thoughts on the page and ask for wisdom and experience a bit of letting go as a result.

I give myself space to kvetch and complain as necessary and I do my best to keep things truthful more than toxically positive. 

Maybe that is why I have often said my notebooks are one of my best friends. I don’t fake it in my notebooks. I don’t have to pretend to be a persona or be worried my notebooks will betray me. My notebooks know my shortcomings and don’t ask for favors or try to make weird quid pro quo arrangements with me.

My notebooks always listen, consistently inspire, and enjoy me even when I am annoying.

They offer me exactly what I look for in friends, except since they aren’t human or sentient I can’t take thim to events and expect a fun conversation later.

Notebooks have taught me a lot about myself and have helped me gain clarity when I found myself in dark spaces when I wondered if I would ever arrive safely to the other side.

In case you are wondering: Sometimes people prefer to call the type of writing I do in my notebooks to journaling and the books themselves as journals. I use the word “writing notebooks” more often than any other title. I don’t know why I choose that except ever since I started using notebooks to write my morning pages, that has fit me better than fancy journals – although I do use the fancy journals people gift me much better than I once did!

Do you keep a notebook? I would enjoy hearing about it in the comments.

Julie JordanScott is a Creative Life Coach, an award-winning storyteller, actor and poet whose photos and mixed media art graces the walls of collectors across the United States. Her writing has appeared on the New York Times Best Sellers List, the Amazon best sellers list and on American Greetings Holiday cards (and other greeting cards). She currently lives in a manse in Sussex, NJ, where she has recently finished her most recent book project, hugging trees daily and enjoys having random inspirational conversations with strangers.

Follow on Instagram to Watch exclusive reels, videos, stories and posts about writing and the creative process.

Let our Words Flow Writing Community: the only one missing is you! Join us in the Private Writing Group

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Day 1: Beyond the Ordinary 31 Days of (Self) Belonging

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Last week I said to one of the teachers at the school where I work, “This year my goal is to focus on creating a sense of belonging: both for the students and for me.”

I didn’t plan this conversation before the words sprang from my mouth.

As I heard myself give voice to what was asking to be explored it immediately started taking form.

I realized it was one of those soul things where the intention rises up from the mysterious depths within. I was reminded of almost twenty years ago when I set a goal on a website called 43things.com when I created a goal to “Honor My Son’s Uniqueness.”

Maybe it was time to honor my own uniqueness through using my experiences with belonging on a personal level. I knew this quarterly blogging challenge was coming up.

It seemed like the perfect opportunity and chose to honor this focus by taking steps to develop my personal concept of Self-Belonging and bring it to life.

Why is Self-Belonging Significant?

I remember in my junior year of high school my history teacher mentioned students in “The B Tier” – who don’t get validated for the wonderful people they are. He didn’t seem to realize how many of us were floundering in the C, D, E, K, L, V, Y and beyond.

In my adventures in Self-Belonging, I would say my level of self-acceptance has vacillated over my life history. Researcher Brene Brown tells us belonging begins with self-acceptance.

At some point between when my history teacher talked about “The B Tier” and I thought “I must be on the T or V Tier” and today, my self-acceptance may have fallen way off the radar. To use a metaphor, my self-acceptance may be what Pluto is to our solar system.

Pluto is no longer a planet. At my age and with my experiences, perhaps I inadvertently rendered self-acceptance irrelevant. No longer something to even consider.

Is Self-Acceptance Difficult for Other People?

Another surprising thing was listening to women at a California Women’s leadership conference – hearing the insecurities of the upper echelon of our society – admired by many – who also spoke in clips and phrases that said they also don’t feel a sense of high self-worth or a sense of belonging, either.

I had recently experienced the death of my mother and a very messy (for me) aftermath which I won’t go into right now. I can only do so much vulnerable sharing at once. (If I was speaking, this is where I would attempt to stifle an uncomfortable laugh.)

Amidst all of this thought and quite a bit of journaling and reflection, I heard we had 100 Days left of 2023.

Here and Now: 91 More Days of 2023

During the 31 Days of October, we will focus on self-belonging as a means to leading a more satisfying life. My intention is you will glean a new understanding of yourself and others from a mindful consideration of what I offer here.

The posts will not be lengthy, they will be meaningful, vulnerable and transparent. They may challenge your thought – which I believe is good. That means we’re growing.

Finally, I am grateful you are reading. I look forward to seeing how this month unfolds for each and all of us.

Julie Jordan Scott is a multi-passionate creative who has served people worldwide as a creative life coach, an inspiring voice in the darkness and a presence in her writing, creativity and teaching in workshops, webinars, group facilitation and more. 

Watch this space for more as the month unfolds.

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How to Nourish and Nurture Your Creativity Now & In the Future

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How will you nourish and nurture your creativity in August and beyond?

Watch for a moment how I am planning to nourish my creativity so that you may find new ideas worth implementing as well.

✨First and foremost, I will continue my daily creative and spiritual practices, partnered together. Writing Practice,  Meditation practice, Fitness. These will be done (in some cases) or begin in the first hour of waking for others.

Fitness and Mindfulness are all day adventures while morning routines and practices begin my day focused and allow me to be continually open to ideas, insights and wisdom beyond my own.

🌟Secondly, I will focus on honoring my planning practices and implementation with a focus on follow through and follow up.

💝 Finally I will utilize healthy doses of personal kindness, forgiveness and grace as I seek to improve and am bound to fail. Failure is a welcome creative teacher. Mistakes (and falling down because of mistakes) allow me to flex by “getting up” muscles. 

Interesting how strengthening my aging muscles gets more and more invigorated as I continue on this path of life with all the glorious nuances it brings to me.

🎭 Also on my mind is that it has been six months since my last theatre project. I miss the collaborative community from being a part of a production, yet with all I have on my agenda, I don’t believe this is the right time. Perhaps my live-streaming is helping to keep that form of creativity alive.

🙋🏻‍♀️❓How are you nourishing your creativity as Summer 2023 continues?

💝 📚📒

💡 Your presence here fills me with gratitude.

✍🏻 I am a writer first, writing & creativity coach, multi passionate creative next. Writing has always been my anchor art and to her I always return. Thankfully, with great love.

🎯My aim is to create content here that inspires and instructs – if there is ever a topic you would like for me to explore, please reach out and tell me. My ultimate goal is to create posts, videos and more that speak to your desires as well as mine because where these two intersect, our collaborative, joyful energy ignites into a fire of love, light and passionate creativity.

Julie JordanScott is a Creative Life Coach, an award-winning storyteller, actor and poet whose photos and mixed media art graces the walls of collectors across the United States. Her writing has appeared on the New York Times Best Sellers List, the Amazon best sellers list and on American Greetings Holiday cards (and other greeting cards). She currently lives in a manse in Sussex, NJ, where she has recently finished her most recent book project, hugging trees daily and enjoys having random inspirational conversations with strangers.

Follow on Instagram to Watch exclusive reels, videos, stories and posts about writing and the creative process.

Let our Words Flow Writing Community: the only one missing is you! Join us in the Private Writing Group by clicking here.

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October Outlook: Grateful for YOU, dear Reader of this Blog

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Autumn leaves and a blue sky with text that welcomes friends, long time and new. Inspiration for writing, blogging and content creation with Julie Jordan Scott.

If I had to use three words to describe myself last year at this time I would say “hurting, perplexed, tenacious.”

IN OCTOBER, 2021

I was hurting because my father died less than six months before October last year. I had been my mother’s primary caretaker from April through July and spent much of that time simultaneously emptying her home before assisting my brothers in moving her into an assisted living facility. I was perplexed because I had managed to hurt my middle daughter by following through to move to New Jersey without adequate ongoing communication for a much needed sabbatical from my life on the west coast. I was tenacious because I didn’t stop trying to get it – life – work – my creative pursuits – better than they had since I had a near death experience in 2019 and quite honestly, for a few years leading up to that.

WHEN LIFE’S PLANS ARE DIFFERENT THAN YOUR OWN….

I didn’t know last October I would go on a wildly circuitous route to find myself starting over again. I am back to the manse where I started my “year of creative retreat and radical self-care” on October 6, 2021.  

I didn’t know it would devolve or evolve into a second period of intense grief, and crisis caregiving of an entirely different sort which lead me to spend January, March, May, June, July, August, half of the preceding December and half of September only to return right back where I started – as if my hopes and dreams chewed me up and spit me out – and I got back up, Slowly and sometimes quite unsurely I brushed myself and my circumstances off and insisted upon finishing what I desperately longed to start AND finish.

AND THE IRONY OF THINGS D/EVOLVING INTO BETTER

Ironically – and I wouldn’t have expected to be saying this – but experiencing that crisis caregiving time healed the rift with my middle daughter, strengthened my reserves and built my west coast family into much more of a team. Our communication is stronger. It is safe to say we all feel more resilient.

There was one important request I made before I got on an airplane and headed back east on September 15.

DOING LIFE DIFFERENTLY: THE SIMPLE THINGS

I said “You guys need to text me for no real reason. You need to let me know how you are, tell me how your day went, ask me how I am doing, because right now, I get scared with every text I receive. 

“When I left last year I only heard from any of you if something bad happened. I do not want it to be like that.”

It isn’t like that.  Our healing through tears, struggles, laughter, strength building and stubborn will changed us all for the better.

I am still grieving – with my younger brother’s death last December 10th there are still tender firsts to experience. I am still concerned about the health of my family members.  There is still left over sadness because I was hustling so much to be sure Samuel’s college tuition was paid I didn’t get to invest in as much time in work around my home in Bakersfield or connecting with friends AND.. things are so much better I am still wondering when I will wake up from this dream.

THE HEALING POWER OF POETRY

In May Swenson’s poem, “October”, one stanza includes this section:

“I sit with braided fingers

and closed eyes

in a span of late sunlight.

The spokes are closing.

It is fall: warm milk of light,

though from an aging breast.

I do not mean to pray.

The posture for thanks or

supplication is the same

as for weariness or relief.”

YOUR THREE WORDS… OR PHRASES.

For you, I am grateful for your presence, I am thrilled to connect with you again, and I am honored to meet and walk alongside new companions

I am relieved and thrilled to be back here for another October with you and another Ultimate Blog Challenge. I have not been stable through any of the months we have done this since… I don’t know when – surely at least since 2019  but that makes me even more determined to be here for the other participants as well as to honor what I have been through this year and what is coming next in the future.

I would love to hear what you are looking forward to in October and how I might help you either in the content I write or the encouragement I may be able to offer you.

I am beyond words grateful that you are here reading my words.

Woman hugging a cartoon tree - white with black polka dots

Julie Jordan-Scott is a Creative Life Coach, an award-winning storyteller, actor and poet whose photos and mixed media art graces the walls of collectors across the United States. Her writing has appeared on the New York Times Best Sellers List, the Amazon best sellers list and on American Greetings Holiday cards (and other greeting cards). She currently lives in a manse in Northwest New Jersey (Sussex Borough, Nj) where she is working on finishing her most recent book project, hugging trees daily and enjoys having random inspirational conversations with strangers.

Follow on Instagram to Watch exclusive reel videos, stories and posts about writing and the creative process.

Let our Words Flow Writing Community: the only one missing is you! Join us in the Private Writing Group by clicking here.

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On Sundays, We Plan the Week Ahead

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It is basic and also easy to overlook: life works better even with the most basic plan.

Planning Basics: Even with a Hectic, Unpredictable Schedule basic planning is grounding and illuminating.

As a creative who is also busily caretaking, it would be easy to toss away any idea of planning and just “go with the flow” or as it often devolves into “go with the chaos” or whatever is the best of the worst possibilities.

This is not inspiring in the least.

This is why it is better to at least have the minimum amount of a plan before your week begins.

Calendar + Appointments + Tasks “To Do” + Practices = Better

On Sunday afternoon, evening or early Monday morning, be sure to gather your calendar, a list of your projects, classes, and to-do’s you are aware of as your week kicks off.

Fill in your calendar with what you know for now. Include any family or friend activities you are expected to attend. If you are unsure what other people’s expectations are for you, now is the time to ask and set the boundaries that fit.

Once those times are filled in, it is time to do some intentional breathing and take time in free flow, meditative writing or journaling to see if there is anything deserving space that has not yet appeared in your plan.

Journal or Free Flow Write to Double Check” and Allow the Unspoken within You Speak

Here’s a reality we often deny or pretend away: within our busy minds racing to get things done, we ignore the wisest part of ourselves. The quiet whispers, the tugs on our intuition, the nudges that are encouraging you to go in a possible different direction.

As you consider the blocks of time filled with appointments, daily basic care activities (hygiene, meal prep, spiritual practice, exercise), tasks and to-do’s, take a moment to journal or free flow write using this question and the sentence starter to tune into those most important aspects of your plan you may have not paid any attention to (yet.)

Revise your plan: It is a leaping off point, not a concrete wall.

One of the ways people resist planning or decide not to plan is based in perfectionism or “all or nothing” thinking. Can you relate to either of those?

Starting Next Week: Suggestions, Coaching & Response to Your Questions

Do you have any questions about how to plan, best practices for planning, planning mindsets or advice around planning? I will incorporate these in upcoming blog posts.

Please comment below or send me an email at juliejordanscott at gmail.comVideo Exploring Trust (which may have kept you from planning in the past.)

Optional Video Exploration/Writing Exercise on TRUST

A blast from the past (2017) a prompt for you to write with – videos will be shared at the end of each blog and are optional for you to use (or not) as a means for you to be inspired to write more or differently or better. This particular theme of TRUST is essential to grow as a writers and leaders.

Julie JordanScott is a Creative Life Coach, an award-winning storyteller, actor and poet whose photos and mixed media art graces the walls of collectors across the United States. Her writing has appeared on the New York Times Best Sellers List, the Amazon best sellers list and on American Greetings Holiday cards (and other greeting cards). She currently lives in a manse in Sussex, NJ, where she is working on finishing her most recent book project, hugging trees daily and enjoys having random inspirational conversations with strangers.

Follow on Instagram to Watch IGTV exclusive videos, stories and posts about writing and the creative process.

Let our Words Flow Writing Community: the only one missing is you! Join us in the Private Writing Group by clicking here.

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How One Moment of Listening (or Being) a Naysayer May Cause Longterm Damage

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Transfrom the words of naysayers: an ear listens and does... what? Heal the negative effects of mean words.

When I started my life coaching practice in 1999 I was amazed when people showed up at discovery calls and were ready to hire me immediately almost without a word of conversation.  Now, with years of experience under my belt, I realize it is because the content I had shared over time forged the relationship ahead of our speaking.

To my long time readers, we weren’t strangers meeting for the first time.  I was someone they respected who they were honored to finally meet. Back then, though, I was simply happily going about my life, not thinking of myself as anything unique or special or worthy of any extra attention beyond my daily existence.

I wondered why it was so hard for other people to find coaching clients. I didn’t arrive at discovery calls from a space of “I am so good at getting clients” because I wasn’t selling at all. I was just showing up and people were signing up for coaching in a way that felt magical.

My coach-trainer didn’t believe me when I told him how many clients I had. He literally scoffed and said, “You can’t have done that!”

How did my well respected coach and trainer’s scoffing and naysaying words do to a new, exuberant, passionate yet insecure coach?

His disbelief caused a block in creating new relationships with more people who were looking to engage with me.

This is what happens when people are naysayers whether it is inadvertent or on purpose.

What if he had said, “You have sixteen clients and you are a brand new coach? That is incredible – you are clearly getting the word out about your work and attracting like hearted people! What’s your secret? I want to know more about your success! My goodness, you are a star pupil, Julie! Do you realize how miraculous you are?

What a gift those questions would have been. Naturally, he would have said questions in his own voice because the above is more what I would have said to me back then – and what I am saying to me, now.

My coach trainer and I didn’t have that conversation though. He went on to critique me even though my success was huge.

My thought after that conversation with my coach trainer went from “getting clients is so easy” to “What is wrong with me? “

I left  the final conversation I had with my trainer – a person in a position of authority who “knew better than me” scalded by his naysaying. It scarred our longterm relationship.

More appropriate to the facts of what I had achieved would have been thinking something like this: “I am an incredible rockstar bursting with hope and optimism.”

Writing about this now more than twenty years later helps me see even more clearly the cumulative damage that happened because of the conversation – the initial naysayer moment – and my continued lack of belief in what he said has marred certain aspects of building my coaching practice.

It mirrors the Dan Pink quote we started with today: “Some beliefs operate quietly, like existential background music.”  

Once we allow that background music to play constantly, we run the risk of allowing it to overtake any success we have had and what we hope to achieve in the future.

Today, that belief has been excavated and may finally be decluttered from the mind and from life experience.

Give yourself time to consider past moments in time that may still be influenced by “background music of beliefs” that may surprise you. These naysaying moments may seem insignificant, but tugging at the thread of them may bring you into a new awareness that will transform your life experience today.

Julie JordanScott is a Creative Life Coach, an award-winning storyteller, actor and poet whose photos and mixed media art graces the walls of collectors across the United States. Her writing has appeared on the New York Times Best Sellers List, the Amazon best sellers list and on American Greetings Holiday cards (and other greeting cards). She currently lives in a manse in Sussex, NJ, where she is working on finishing her most recent book project, hugging trees daily and enjoys having random inspirational conversations with strangers.

Follow on Instagram to Watch IGTV exclusive videos, stories and posts about writing and the creative process.

Let our Words Flow Writing Community: the only one missing is you! Join us in the Private Writing Group by clicking here.

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How Practicing a Ta-Da Focus You Will Live Solidly in Your Truth

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“I would love to have an ocean of love right now. That said, the number-one rule of acting is, ‘Do not seek approval from the audience.’ People don’t realize that. You can’t do stuff to get applause. You have to live in the truth.”

Chadwick Boseman

My mind is playing the famous instagram reel and tik tok videos where one is simply some restlessness and then wild applause. The second is soft music and then a voice with a dignified British accent saying, “Ladies and Gentleman, Her” and thunderous applause from an invisible audience.

I will admit, I have used one of these sounds in the past on a tree hugging reel.

The most important applause to receive is your own.

Our hunger for approval is one we need to focus to overcome. To begin creating your specific ocean of love, as Chadick Boseman suggests, you may in addition create your most satisfying outcome yet.

Focusing on your “Ta-Da’s!’ as well as your “To-Do’s” will automatically create a more favorable environment for satisfaction, success and waves of virtual, real and inner applause will become a daily experience.

Remember the end of Chadwick Boseman’s wise words: You have to live in truth. Don’t hunger for approval of others, focus on acting in alignment with your truth.

What is the first step you will take to create waves of applause both from other people and more importantly from yourself?

“You can’t do stuff to get applause. You have to live in the truth.”

Your Ta-Da’s – the actions you have taken and the stuff you get done live in your truth.

They don’t have to be thunderous or huge. Your Ta-Da’s may be as simple as “I got out of bed before 7:30 am today!” or “I got out of bed today.” Either is a Ta-Da in your truthful space.

Your truth is not a space to compare to others, your truth is a space of delight – a space of inner applause and a space of infinite ta-da’s.

I can hear the ocean waves of love and admiration reaching your shores, my shores, our collective shores.

The door to the present moment and the future opens.

Ladies and Gentleman, Her!

Julie JordanScott Comeback Crone Creative Life Midwife

Julie JordanScott is a Creative Life Coach, an award-winning storyteller, actor and poet whose photos and mixed media art graces the walls of collectors across the United States. Her writing has appeared on the New York Times Best Sellers List, the Amazon best sellers list and on American Greetings Holiday cards (and other greeting cards). She currently lives in a manse in Sussex, NJ, where she is working on finishing her most recent book project, hugging trees daily and enjoys having random inspirational conversations with strangers.

Follow on Instagram to Watch IGTV exclusive videos, stories and posts about writing and the creative process.

Let our Words Flow Writing Community: the only one missing is you! Join us in the Private Writing Group by clicking here.


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Trust: How Practices and Imperfection Lead to So Many Insightful Gifts

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This morning I sat at my desk intending to write in the same, highly practiced way as I do on most mornings. I met with my focus mate partner – for those who don’t know, Focusmate is a co-working environment online that helps people transform their to-do’s into ta-da’s while supporting another person doing the same in either 25 minute or 50 minute containers. 

“I am going to complete my morning writing practice,” I told my new friend’s smiling face and she reported her tasks back to me. We wished each other well and I started writing.

What I wasn’t expecting was to be visited by memories, Kahlil Gibran, Daniel Pink and experience divine healing in the midst of it.

I knew Dan Pink would be present because I had been meditating on his sentence since I read it yesterday in his new best seller, “The Power of Regret.”

The sentence was “Some beliefs operate quietly, like existential background music.”  

The overall theme of the writing was to be trust, a word that has been known to invoke a churning feeling in my gut. My friend Laurie Smith’s 28 Days of Flow Challenge had thrown down the word gauntlet and feeling brave, I stepped into the circle to wrestle with it.

Here is what I wrote:

Trust:  some days, most days to be honest, I don’t trust much of anything or anyone, much less myself. There was something Brene Brown says in “Atlas of the Heart”  about living disappointed instead of risking disappointment. Over the years, I have lived more disappointed than I have  risked disappointment.

When I visit my patterns of trust, I realize the bruises of opting out of trust started very early. I don’t want to sound like I am blaming because I am not claiming victimhood, I am exploring what happened. I am examining what the facts are without reconstructing a false narrative based on my opinions.

I think about what was happening in my young parents’ lives when I was a little one and I think “I don’t know how they did as well as they did. A cross country move with four children under the age of 7 with Mom pregnant setting up in a new location with a newish company. All the expectations for success…. once John was born with Down’s syndrome… the guilt and the grief and the fourteen month (fifteen sixteen month) me battled the lack of trust with refusing to learn to walk. 

If I didn’t walk, they would have to carry me. They would have to pay attention and lift me up to the places I couldn’t crawl, right? 

I didn’t trust for my safety and perhaps because I couldn’t trust I would receive the love I yearned for and practical love through action which I needed in order to continue my little life.  

Before language set in fully, I determined being the ultimate protector and caretaker was what I needed to be in order to survive.

This was  imprinted upon my innermost psyche:  If I take care of others well, we will all stay safe. 

This might have been my unspoken but definitely believed mantra – the existential background music, so now that my two younger brothers are dead, I have been proven lacking.

I have been proven lacking again. And Again. And again.

The adult, intellectual me says how flawed this belief is as we are all finite creatures. The spiritual side disagrees, saying “our souls are infinite, my brothers have gone nowhere”. The petulant side claps back with “oh yeah, if they’re here why can’t I shake and scold them for leaving me, for not fighting harder, what did I do wrong so that they didn’t fight longer or better?”

Kahlil Gibran ambles in and says a version of his lesson on Children:

“Your brothers were not your children any more than your children are your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.”

I realize in a flash or a glimmer of a flash I can trust life’s longing, the divine heartbeat, because each circumstance I have lived so far has proven itself to be a guide as much as I hated some of those situations and circumstances, as much as I wanted to vomit the moments from my existence – eventually the gratitude for them turned over in the soil as mulch, to be fragrant and helpful to my personal ecosphere.

I am sitting with that. 

Hands off keyboard.

This morning I danced. I said I would dance so I danced in front of the mirror to Nat King Cole’s L-O-V-E twice. I trusted and acted.

I did my lymph exercises in the room of the manse I designated for dance and exercise. I trusted myself to do this, too. It isn’t a habit or a practice yet, it is an intention I am doing my best to fulfill.

Before I sat to write I moved. And I laughed as I danced and I breathed deeply as I moved my lymph system purposefully and it all felt so good, something I wanted to do yesterday but hadn’t built my self-trust ladder sturdy enough yet and now, apparently I have. 

Today at this moment I have trusted and acted on purpose.  Today at this moment my trust is enriched as even white bread may be enriched with nutrients. 

Self-trust is an ultimate nutrient.

The little me can go back and trust her parents who she knows were doing the best they could do.  They didn’t need my assistance, I offered my  assistance with love, even as a toddler. Perhaps part of my assistance was a prayer for love, but it was birthed in love nonetheless as was I.

I was birthed in love, even if my birth wasn’t planned or convenient or even if my parents actively attempted to prevent my conception. I am a gift from life’s longing for itself. I can reference more sacred texts and embrace this.

After dancing and exercising and trusting myself to walk toward feeling better,  I simply engaged with trust at the urging of my friend Laurie Smith and Kahlil Gibran showed up to offer healing.

I can’t think of anything to be much cooler than that.

What has been your favorite moment so far this morning?

Julie JordanScott is a Creative Life Coach, an award-winning storyteller, actor and poet whose photos and mixed media art graces the walls of collectors across the United States. Her writing has appeared on the New York Times Best Sellers List, the Amazon best sellers list and on American Greetings Holiday cards (and other greeting cards). She currently lives in a manse in Sussex, NJ, where she is working on finishing her most recent book project, hugging trees daily and enjoys having random inspirational conversations with strangers.

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