Creative Life Midwife

Inspiring Artistic Rebirth

Tired of Riding the Roller Coaster of Other People’s Urgencies?

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I have had a bit of a roller coaster week, well – to be honest, a tidal wave week, and yesterday –  I was what I would have called “slammed” if I worked in a restaurant for most of the day.

I love being busy. I love the feeling I get from having a lot going on and enjoy metaphorical plate spinning more than slow and stead, tortoise like pace.

When I sat at my desk my intention was to do some of “my own work” yet as I settled in just to write for five minutes “for myself” I was immediately ready to sacrifice my measly five minutes to work on someone else’s urgent project. What is up with that?

I started typing these words:

I am important enough to come first. I am important enough to be the top priority. I am important. I have value.

I am more than slightly embarrassed that I still gain benefit from such affirmations. People give me plentiful praise and then my own version of Glinda the Good Witch whispers… “Yes, you get praise dear heart and do you fully receive it?”

I am important enough to come first. I am important enough to be the top priority. I am important. I have value. I am important enough to come first. I am important enough to be the top priority. I am important. I have value.

I am important enough to be praised. I deserve praise, I deserve to feel positive about the efforts I make because they are valuable.

I turn my favorite music on. Close my eyes. The words find me. My shoulders relax.

I take the five minutes for myself amidst the hours of all those other projects that aren’t going anywhere – they’re right here with me and will get their attention as soon as I am complete here.

May these words I write for myself be a mirror for you to look into as well. For you, like me, are important, valuable and deserving.

How do you relate to this story? What is your most effective self love and self care strategy?

https://creativelifemidwife.com/septpassionatewritingcircle/
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99 Days of 2018 Left on the Wall Calendar so….

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Shocking, just a bit, to think there are only 99 days left of 2018.

I started this year with such excitement. Right off the bat I had gigs lined up and speaking engagements and it felt like everything was at long last flowing in my direction again and wouldn’t this be wonderful and then….

This morning I was doing my daily broadcast which had been postponed because of – as often happens – other people’s stuff and the need to sort things out and not starting everything earlier and there I found myself, stubbornly on my front porch nearly blinded by the son that thirty minutes earlier had given off the perfect golden slanted light but now was assaulting me with rays that would eventually lift up to around 100 degrees today.

So I started there and then walked to underneath my mulberry tree where on my seat in the much cooler, much more beautiful shade I found… a seed pod. I didn’t recognize the seed (is this mulberries? I don’t know) and I was instantly delighted.

The metaphor rich for the plucking. “When we stop thinking we are in charge of everything, the greatest and most yummy feeling gifts are discovered ‘by accident’ or so it seems.


I finished my broadcast in a shady, perfectly temperate spot just steps from where I started. I felt happy and I was even ahead of schedule (for a change).

My to-do list is present, accounted for and things are getting checked off.

I could have gotten angry and self-talked myself into a tizzy about how bad things have been and how the world and some specific people in it have consistently conspired against me but instead, I went with the flow.

So while sputtering out for the rest of the day and the rest of 2018 could be the choice I make, I am choosing, instead, to find the gifts as they open themselves to me and making the best with each day ahead – even if the gift is as simple as a seed pod that I don’t recognize.

What are you looking forward to for the rest of 2018? Perhaps you are ready to join a Passionate, Purposeful Writing Circle with the dynamic group that’s assembling. We are in the final days of assembling – find out more and join now by clicking the image below.

https://creativelifemidwife.com/septpassionatewritingcircle/
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Let’s Nurture One Another Today

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I’m the stubborn non-walker

I think I was a nurturer in the womb.

I became a nurturer most definitely after my brother was born when I was not yet fourteen months old. I hadn’t elected to walk by then, waiting until I was sixteen months old to walk because I was so “nurture hungry.”

Perhaps this is part of the reason I don’t usually expect nurturing and yet I love it so much.

Last week at my story circle we “wrote” an improvisational piece about “our other mothers.” These are the people who take care of us, who may reach out to us when we need some tenderness or caring guidance. Each woman in the circle contributed one single line to the story.

I kicked it off saying. “Once upon a time, there was a middle aged woman who always felt comforted when someone covered her lovingly with a blanket.”

Such a simple act yet so heavenly.

So motherly.

So nurturing.

When care taking is offered and received with love, nurturing is a natural outpouring. It isn’t something we think about necessarily, it just happens.

When we become nurturers, we teach others to nurture us as well. It is like Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “That which we are, we shall teach, not voluntarily, but involuntarily.”

We show love and nurturing when we show up, when we notice, when we choose to put someone else’s needs at least as high as our own.

Nurturing is not a gender thing, it is an intentional love thing.

When I grade papers for students who haven’t yet mastered English, I focus on their strengths first before I critique their weaknesses. They are born with a different language and learn English as adults. I aim to nurture them into better speakers and readers and communicators. If I focused on what was wrong, I am concerned they would end their process prior to a positive completion. I choose to be a nurturer.

Nurturing isn’t only for people in “helping” professions, it is for all of us.

When I originally wrote this, Emma was preparing for her senior prom. It was the next weekend and she had the dress and the shoes. Next was the final prep including a plan for her hair and makeup. The Saturday before, a friend was at our house, helping her to get her make up just right. Some people might say this is over the top, that a seventeen-year-old girl should take care of it all herself.

I see it differently: making a fuss over her means I value her and want her to feel valued as well.

As a parent, nurturing a child’s sense of value and worth is one of the most important things we can do. How many adults do you know who don’t feel valued or esteemed? Ask your friends about their level of confidence. Their responses might surprise you.

As parents, nurturing goes beyond providing food, clothing and shelter. Nurturing includes compliments, redirection and teaching your child to make painful and important choices.

This morning I went to coffee at one of my favorite local haunts. The clerk told me I looked cheerful today. I though I looked warn out. My hair in a ponytail, wearing a t-shirt and capris, I didn’t think I looked like anything except my busy mommy role.

She took a moment to compliment me “You look chipper today!” and I took a moment to hear her and receive her words.

In doing so, we were both nurturing one another.

Nurturers make the world a better place.

Who have you nurtured today?

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Julie Jordan Scott inspires people to experience artistic rebirth via her programs, playshops, books, performances and simply being herself out in the world.  She is a writer, creative life coach, speaker, performance poet, Mommy-extraordinaire and mixed media artist whose Writing Camps and Writing Playgrounds permanently transform people’s creative lives. 

To contact Julie to schedule a Writing or Creative Life Coaching Session, call or text her at 661.444.2735.

Check out her social media channels, especially if you find the idea of a Word-Love Party bus particularly enticing.Facebooktwitterpinterest

Island Life: When It Feels As If We Are Standing Alone

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I wrote these words #5for5BrainDump style. In other words, stream of consciousness, journal style without editing or forethought, trusting the words will continue to pour forth as we move our pencils or pens or fingers on the keyboard for just five minutes.

I had done another writing and felt the call to go more deeply into this particular subject. As I continue to work on the narrative of my life – and choosing a more constructive, heart-based and conscious narrative, I need to continually challenge myself to go more deeply every time I move my pen across the page.

Thank you for taking this adventure alongside me as you read. Starting with a quote – perhaps you will relate to it as well.

“I never said I wanted a ‘happy’ life but an interesting one. From separation and loss, I have learned a lot. I have become strong and resilient, as is the case of almost every human being exposed to life and to the world. We don’t even know how strong we are until we are forced to bring that hidden strength forward.”

Isabel Allende

I can’t remember when I started to describe my life as “island life” – where I lived alone on a deserted island separate from anyone who might remotely care about what I am up to by miles and miles of ocean water – inaccessible like Tom Hanks in “Castaway.”

I didn’t even have a WILSON in this version of my life. My children were in an alternate reality where I visited during the hours they needed me, otherwise, I sat along on my concrete, brick and mortar not very pretty island… solitary confinement.

The thing is, when I look at it objectively and with a loving heart, I see I am the one who created that island as a protective mechanism. I am the one who goes back there from time to time to seek solace from and with myself because “no one else really wants to” – or so I perceive.

When I stay in this space, I don’t feel sad and I don’t feel sorry for myself, because I almost always have a project to work on and am able to create my own excitement.

It does, however, get lonely.

I am grateful I am taking time to reflect on this today. It is easy to pretend it away, to turn off my constructive thought process. I am grateful I have a constructive process, not a “woe is I” process. I am grateful I took the time today. I am grateful Samuel and I did something fun yesterday and I took time to read a book yesterday. I am grateful I have friends who will join me when I invite them to do things.

I am grateful I am considering ways to take action to get off the island more regularly.

We always end our five minute writings from #5for5BrainDump with gratitude. This video excerpt below will explains that process – please remember I am available to speak with you individually as well as facilitate groups, speak to groups of all sizes and appear in interviews as well.

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Still Here, and That’s Just Fine…. Shifting the Fear Narrative

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Today I used a quote as a writing prompt, simply writing whatever flew off the ends of my fingertips in response.

I wrote this short essay in five minutes and maybe two more, to bring it to conclusion.

It was written in #5for5BrainDump style and I am thrilled to announce our next #5for5BrainDump session has been scheduled to begin June 18. Come back tomorrow for a link to the free sign up page. (Woeful mailing list issues).

Now, wisdom from Carolyn Myss, a different child-like version of me and a surprisingly… well, just me-me.

“Do you really want to look back on your life and see how wonderful it could have been had you not been afraid to live in?”
Caroline Myss

This quote hits me like a shocking slap to the face.

Ouch. Sting. I reach for my face – my heart shaped scar, the tears that want to pour out but stay continually stuck. Frozen.

I do not want to look back on my life and see fear everywhere.

I have stopped saying the word “want” as much as possible.

My aim is to look back and be satisfied, even with the fear-filled moments.

There is a little how do I describe her – a little contrarian Julie sitting on my right shoulder who wants to defend me. “Do you know what Julie has been through? She deserves to be afraid. She has earned a holy fear. Seriously, do you know her stories?”

I want to shush her, it’s embarrassing, and I remember Adam, my twice-time counselor saying something similar. “Give yourself a break, Julie” and I look back into my memory and say. “But Adam, I am still here. I am still here.”

I am thrilled to look back at my life in ten years and say. “This is that time when I transformed. This is the time when I chose differently.” (I wanted to say ‘finally’ and I controlled myself.)

All of the fear mongering experiences have served me, strangely, in adding a more compassionate side and gaining multitudes of life. I continually learn about self-forgiveness and compassion. I could have a PhD (at least) in patience.

I’m a grief expert, and my shortcomings – not wanting to create more strife or have confrontations or let go – these are areas I recognize and continue to work on.

When I look back at my life, I see purple. I smell lavender and juniper and surprisingly moist soil and last year’s leaves. I hear birds– familiar and not-so-much, pencils scratching on paper, and I see smiles slowly breaking across faces and eyes crinkling up. I see tears: of awe and bitter sadness.

A quiet voice inside just said. “and you did your best.”

That earlier contrarian Julie is in disagreement.

I am choosing to let go of the frustrated nihilist child and am willing to nod in agreement.  I’m willing to receive the assessment, “I did my best.”

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Reaching for the Just Right Word: What We Don’t Say… The Untalkaboutables… Keep Us Stuck

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This post was written in two successive #5for5BrainDump sessions with several editing sessions. It started stream-of-consciousness and came back with – how to state this clearly.

For now, two hours, dishes done, conversations with Emma in process, a little mopping of the kitchen floor and moisturizing my face – it is done. For now. >> See Julie smile a slight smile of acceptance.<<

Now for the Rewriting of the Narrative:

If I had my way I would climb into a bubble with a caretaker and a loving team of comrades to support me by doing what I am not gifted at doing or simply don’t like to do.

I look up and see a cobweb in front of me and I think, “I need to sweep away that cobweb when I’m done writing.”

Here’s the thing: normally I wouldn’t confess to seeing a cobweb for fear it might make me look bad and that one small choice to not be authentic and not tell the truth and not be real starts building a leaning tower that slowly and surely degrades so much of what is true and right and crackly and painful and hilarious and embarrassing and endearing and very possibly even loveable.

That saying nothing, that holding back what we have deemed “Untalkaboutable” puts us in a stranglehold.

I remember a session I had with not my most recent therapist but the one before her. I was concerned about my self-destructive behavior so we talked for 45 minutes before I showed her my arm. My forearm, wracked with deep scratches and bruises I had levied upon myself in deep frustration days before. Scratches I kept hidden because I didn’t want anyone to see the evidence left behind from not talking about what was at the root of my upset, the core of my being.

I take a breath as I continue to write, as I attempt to continue to write.

I fold my hands first in the traditional protestant prayer and then in a more eastern “Namaste” expression… praying for the boldness to keep “talking” on the page, to please continue this pattern of progress simply because my old way of being would be to skate along the surface and only occasionally go deep enough to be restorative.

“Change the language” a sort of command or request bubbles up from deep within:

I am grateful for my relationship with prayer, that I know I may always turn to prayer for comfort and guided action. Prayer says, “I am not alone, even if there are no humans around I feel safe enough to speak my depths to, there is always divinity and there is always the page.”

I am indicating that here. I am taking back my sovereign crown from here by writing these words here, dropping them one letter at a time, allowing the thoughts and meaning and letting go to bring what wants to be said into the open, into the light, and then shared with others so that they may be recognized and be willing to be stand up, to speak, to be heard.

Sometimes the page is a prayer. The page is bigger than a human and on the road to divinity.

The timer went off without me knowing, as sometimes happens lately I believe a divine thing and a call to go deeper with my writing.

Leave the keyboard and move to replace need, want, must, have to, should into excited, grateful, pleased, anticipation

Note to self and you: this is normally when I abandon my writing, when I stop going any deeper with my words because it looks and feels scary and I don’t want to face whatever might come next. In so doing, I have missed a lot of light, a lot of hope, a lot of joy and who knows what else.

Back at the keyboard, I take a few moments to write:

I found these words, replacements to the “lack” words I listed above….

Instead of “I want, I need, I am missing” in the future remember to use, “I am inspired by the possibility of,” and “I am exhilarated to think…” and “I am stirred up with anticipation of….” along with the base words of  motivated, roused, excited, activated,.enchanted…

Instead of “worried” or “afraid” or the like, “I am appreciative of the opportunity to” and “I am thankful for this moment because…” and “I am content with purely…. (being here now, feeling this moment completely, having what I have…” along with my favored “I am looking forward to” and “I am most satisfied by…”

I realize as I wrote any and all of these may be writing prompts, too, to gain more clarity.

I look up from the list and see where I have swept away the cobwebs when I was in between moments of writing. Small bites, baby steps, sweet moments of satisfaction I may point to as evidence and not be ashamed.

I hear my neighbor’s dog bark. I think how many years have gone by without sharing niceties, such a simple thing. I look forward to a time when I feel more mutual compassion with neighbords. I remember when… one of my cats got stuck under their house when they were getting work done on it.

The wife was known for complaining about how much she hates cats.

I remember feeling panic about my cat, Tina, being trapped and how we could possibly get her out. Samuel came with me and we brought a can of tuna to coax her. I was worried about getting any dust specks on their hard wood floor. I was afraid when Samuel came out from under the house he would leave traces of dust or worse, dirt, and they would be made at me (as if that was anything unusual.)

We could hear Tina meow from under the house. Samuel crawled into the space under their house. She wouldn’t come, she was scared, too.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we collectively stopped being afraid?

I keep hearing my neighbor’s voice, he must have sensed my worry and fear and he said to me repeatedly, “Julie, no harm no foul,” after Samuel successfully encourage the kitty to come to the surface and allow herself to be rescued.

I remember fighting tears then like I am fighting them now.

I hear my neighbor’s voice now, talking about the dog.

Emma seems worried because I am crying.

It sounds like the word prayer is said. I don’t know if it was or it wasn’t though perhaps I’ll claim it.

Old Narrative: People who don’t like me are always ready to find me in the wrong and make me feel more shame than I already do, naturally.

New Narrative: People are people, each with weaknesses and strengths and mostly self-absorbed.

New Narrative Question: What untalkaboutable subjects are calling me to pay attention? What small step may I take to wash away the fear as well as bring the untalkaboutable into the light?

From the italicized: Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we collectively stopped being afraid? our prompt: “What may I choose to do daily (or near daily) to lessen my day-to-day fear or anxiety?”

Devote 5 minutes daily to take action on any new insights you have from this experience. 

Are you interested in reading more about Rewriting Narrative: Below is a list of three recent posts to visit and read;

  1. Mindshift from “I’m a Bother to I’m a Blessing”
  2. Move from Destabilizing Fear into Sweet Courage
  3. Free Yourself from Banishment: Express, Strengthen, Heal, Awaken

Julie Jordan Scott inspires people to experience artistic rebirth via her programs, playshops, books, performances and simply being herself out in the world.  She is a writer, creative life coach, speaker, performance poet, Mommy-extraordinaire and mixed-media artist  whose Writing Camps and Writing Playgrounds permanently transform people’s creative lives. Watch for the announcement of new programs coming in soon!

 To contact Julie to schedule a Writing or Creative Life Coaching Session, call or text her at 661.444.2735.Facebooktwitterpinterest

Transforming Panic to Love-Based Focused Action: 5 Minutes of Writing Magic

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Welcome! We’re taking an adventure in Personal Growth and Transformation Made Simple.

This is where the miracle creating #5for5BrainDump Process meets the inner working of discovering one’s unconscious beliefs otherwise known as “Rewriting One’s Inner Narrative: 5 Minutes at a Time” . Today I felt myself going down the well-worn path of panic mode, so I quickly recovered and shifted onto a different path via writing – and breathing – and what you see next is us taking that path, together so… let’s do this…

It is so easy to go into panic mode, to worried mode to “oh no I have so much to do what am I going to do oh no oh no oh no!”

Cue the Chicken-little scene, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling,” and then – if we are lucky – a hint of mindfulness seeps in.

I was having tea with my dear friend Kathi this morning and we were talking about that panic mode we sometimes unconsciously fall into and she reminded me how good I am at stopping, taking a breath, and refocusing and/or reframing and coming back to center.

It was one of those moments where I almost wanted to look over my shoulder to see who she was talking about but no, she meant me, loud and clear – me.

Ironic, then, a couple hours later when I was settling back into work mode I got nervous again about what to do next. I have a huge list and I have tasks galore and I was reviewing the content next to go up on the curation block and I got lost in the murky swamp of “What’s next?” even now – I am more than slightly worried thinking about the next thing after this thing so I stop myself.

I close my eyes.

Hand on heart.

What is the best next thing to do?

What task will get me closer to my goal most efficiently and effectively?

Hand on heart… breathe in….. exhale anxiety and blend with love… breathe in…. “What task will get me closer to my goal?”

As I rid myself of the uncomfortable anxiety and allow the light of love to take the reigns, the next step becomes more clear and I know –

The best next thing to do.

A smile crosses my face.

The timer goes off and I know.

I’ve effectively, for now, replaced the nearing panic mode with feeling peace mode.

I’ve rewritten the “Chicken-little-sky-is-falling” rule with “Focus on what’s best next, with love” and it feels so much better.
There is more to come on this one. Stand by for more….

This post was written #5for5BrainDump style: write for 5 minutes, free flow, stream of consciousness style and see what wisdom comes as  a result. This one is definitely a keeper – one I will continue to grow upon. Thank you for reading today! Please follow me on social media so you won’t miss anymore high quality content that will help as you work toward a better and better life now.

Julie Jordan Scott inspires people to experience artistic rebirth via #5for5BrainDump, livestream broadcasts, creativity playshops, books, performances and simply being herself out in the world.  She is a writer, creative life coach, speaker, performance poet, Mommy-extraordinaire and mixed media artist whose Writing Camps and Writing Playgrounds permanently transform people’s creative lives. Watch for the announcement of new programs coming in soon!Facebooktwitterpinterest

How to Use Your Subconscious Mind to Fall (Back) in Love with Time

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Welcome! This is where the miracle creating #5for5BrainDump Process meets the inner working of discovering one’s unconscious beliefs otherwise known as “Rewriting One’s Inner Narrative: 5 Minutes at a Time” Personal Growth and Transformation Made Simple… today I found it important to explore my relationship with time… something I used to love. Now? 

The time when I was the most productive was when I repeated this mantra to myself, “There is plenty of time to do all that I most need to do.”

When I simply said those words to myself throughout the day, everything miraculously got done or I just let go what remained unfinished.

I almost whined at myself just now, “Why don’t I do this anymore?” and then I remembered, the “Why” isn’t important, the “What shift will be most productive?” is more beneficial.

I was searching for quotes from women about time management and all I found were trite clichés like “Don’t sweat the small stuff” and “Take time for yourself.”

I don’t know about you, but I feel like I have heard these so many times and yet when we are deluged with a calendar that is so full we find ourselves stapling our finger at 3 am in order to finish a project on time the last thing on your mind is taking time for yourself. That is, other than collapsing into your bed once the next day is over.

If I go back to my writing from earlier in the week, I see a lot of rewriting unworthiness and quite a bit of self-malaise. By the way, I have written myself as an expert on the topic of self-love and self-care. What I am addressing now is deeper than the surface stuff – this is why I am working on this re-writing because years of surface stuff doesn’t begin to scratch the sludge coating over what is most significant.

Odd. My timer didn’t chime, so I am going to reset it for one minute to finish up.

I feel as if there must be something important wanting to be written.

Time is measureable, it is finite.

It is ironically gloriously expansive when we return to the beginnings here. I am most productive when I repeat “There is plenty of time,” throughout the day.

My subconscious nods in agreement and delivers plenty.

I am realizing again (a theme as I started writing these thirty days) how much I may protect my continued and continuing progress when I stop spending time with people and projects that don’t align with these sorts of thought process.

Sometimes self-love includes who we are allowing in – as they reflect our beliefs as well.

Love, not lament, is what will help us to remember to appreciate and facilitate productivity in this time we are in – five minutes, five days, five weeks or years… at a time.

(There, that’s the reason for the extra minute!)

And now, for you – 

Writing Prompt – set your timer for five minutes and write…..

My relationship with time is like….

I was most organized with time when….

Share a cliche piece of writing advice you have received and refresh that cliche with what you have learned to be true – 

Write a time story, as if time was a person or entity…

 

Check back as I may add layers to this because… I will confess… I like these prompts I just wrote for you!

Julie Jordan Scott inspires people to experience artistic rebirth via #5for5BrainDump, livestream broadcasts, creativity playshops, books, performances and simply being herself out in the world.  She is a writer, creative life coach, speaker, performance poet, Mommy-extraordinaire and mixed media artist whose Writing Camps and Writing Playgrounds permanently transform people’s creative lives. Watch for the announcement of new programs coming in soon!Facebooktwitterpinterest

The Audacity of Feeling Good

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Welcome! You have found the place where the miracle creating #5for5BrainDump Process meets the inner working of one’s beliefs and subsequent  otherwise known as “Rewriting One’s Inner Narrative: 5 Minutes at a Time” Personal Growth and Transformation Made Simple!

Now, for today’s writing – 

Last night I had the audacity to feel good about something I created.

Some people might be surprised about how rare this is for me. It isn’t a sweet dissatisfaction I normally feel, but a deep tainted dye that spreads over me – based upon none other than that damn narrative that runs through my veins, “You don’t deserve to do well, you need to seek penance constantly for all your wrong doings.”

I caught my eye in the mirror when I put my hat on for the opening moments of “Kamasutra” – the play I am in that opens tonight. I laughed at my reflection because I looked like Maria, returning to the convent for a forty-year-reunion wearing the same outfit she wore on her way to the von Trapp home as she belted out “I Have Confidence” while riding the bus and skipping along the outskirts of Salzburg.

I only wish my inner confidence matched what I heard last night after my performance. Today, I will be listening to those comments in my mind as I prepare instead of the pesky old narrative patterns.

I will hear “It makes my heart happy to see you on stage again,” and “You are my hero” and “Believable. You were so believable” and “That was so beautiful!”

I was able to feel good about what I created, even if I wasn’t 100% up to the standards I seet for myself.

I was content with the results. I feel solid, ready and confident, like Maria. (The timer went off about 30 seconds ago and I took the time to finish, just because it felt good. And that’s ok, too.)

= = = = =

Julie Jordan Scott inspires people to experience artistic rebirth via #5for5BrainDump, livestream broadcasts, creativity playshops, books, performances and simply being herself out in the world.  She is a writer, creative life coach, speaker, performance poet, Mommy-extraordinaire and mixed media artist whose Writing Camps and Writing Playgrounds permanently transform people’s creative lives. Watch for the announcement of new programs coming in soon!Facebooktwitterpinterest

Move from Destabilizing Fear into Sweet, Sweet Freedom

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Consider with me now the ways you have walked through being scared and then into courage.

Consider how this has made a difference in your life, drastic or small – and how you are getting more and more ready to step into increased courage now.

I can’t remember specific times but I can remember the specific feeling.

I do know I am grateful for the way simple questions manage to lead me into deeper transformation and how that transformation leads me into passionate action.

Let’s talk about that for a moment.

My therapist asked me a question, “What were you the most afraid of” or “When did you feel the worst” or something like that and I was immediately, viscerally catapulted into a state of panic so deep I couldn’t speak.

It got so bad, I thought I would suffocate.

Then I thought it was quite possible I might die.

The fear and panic was so visceral there were no tears attached. Tears, after all, were human, and this experience was different-than-human and definitely not divine.

Now, months later and quite removed, this whole episode seems ridiculous and I am embarrassed to talk about it except for how the memory of choking coupled with loss of voice and breath leads to lack of follow through, lack of success and my deep seated fear of asking for help.

I feel piles of shame for being in this condition.

I certainly have never seen anyone else fall into such a pitiful, downright ridiculous place.

To shift from the judgment, critical, self-loathing voice I turn to the strongest energy there is: the life force of love and gratitude.
Gratitude invites me to say, “I am open to courage now.”

I am open to look at this moment of what felt like imminent suffocation from a space of love and in this space of love, I am open to courage now.

I am grateful for the time I spent with this therapist, even though I don’t see her any more, and I am open to courage now.

I am grateful for the passion that flows through me and ignites my creative fire and at times, throws me into rather deep vats of fear and anxiousness.

In love, I am open to courage now.

In this week to come, I am grateful for the strengthening of my courage muscle. I am grateful for the actions I’ve taken and the even more bold actions I will continue to take as I step into the life I am creating for now and the future.

I am open to courage now, in love.  <– note to self: use as often as necessary. This is an affirmative lifeline.

I was reminded of choking: how my fear of dying (or if not actual death, feeling like I am about to die) and take away my voice.

Literally, my breath, my spirit.

I have been afraid of success – long story I am bored of telling, tired of hearing.

Trauma. Even writing about it – pain in my chest.

What am I willing, ready and able to do, to be to transform this fear? This is the question I am beginning to live.

I have made some false starts in getting to the outside of the “fear boundaries” and I’m continuing to move forward. It feels powerful. I feel powerful. Yes, there is still the thought….

Now I’ve done the unthinkable. I have been completely vulnerable and open about an exceptionally tender part of me. Now? I’ll continue to move, mindfully. I know there are people in many places similar to this who know.

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