Life After: My Vulnerable Sharing Five Years Ago leads to more Self-Compassion Now

One of the most important aspects of this blog series is rediscovering the experiences from five years ago from a space of deep compassion. I’ve realized how detached I have been from this experience, perhaps because it is frightening to remember and so many other “more important” things have happened since then. More on that tomorrow.

For now, this is what I said to my friends near and far on October 29, 2019 –

I’m recovering at home, slowly and surely. The most inconsistent part of this process is my mood.

Vulnerability alert: Since I’ve been home, I’ve been afraid of a lot of random things. Lately I’ve been afraid when my hands are cold. When Sepsis descended and death came close, that was what I felt, so very cold – and the nurse (at least how I remember it) wrapped my hands in heated sheets.

Sometimes I’m afraid of falling asleep.

I’m sometimes afraid of eating and even get worried about my medicines. And yes, I talked to my doctor about this.

My senses have also become really acute. My sense of smell is what I imagine is animal like, my hearing fine tuned.

Today I wrote using my computer for the first time. I don’t know what was scaring me about that, but my resistance is high. I think a part of me has another part of me convinced if I start writing some of what happened, the emotions will be too much. Considering I have an irrational fear of choking that got worse in the hospital, it makes sense because when I cry hard I often choke or vomit.

Nonetheless, I am grateful:

I am grateful I spoke with Samuel last night. We talked mostly about his Japanese class. I miss that kid. He’s the best. I’m also excited the UNLV esports team is doing a mental health fund raiser. They get it.

I am grateful Emma is doing well in her first run as a director. Her work is a part of the Bakersfield College One Act festival this Friday & Saturday. She cast her play thoughtfully and the actors are working hard. I love hearing all about it. I’ll be there Friday! It’s only $5! Show your support!

I am grateful for naps.

I am grateful for lemonade and cranberry juice.

I am grateful for fluffy textures and soft pillows.

I am grateful for people who think critically and read facts.

I am grateful for Greta Gerwig. Can’t wait for “Little Women”!!

I am grateful for prayers…. so grateful.

I am grateful for my daughter Queenta Atem on her birthday – God bless this woman!

I am grateful for Moth storytelling videos.

Most importantly, five-years-later me adds: I am so grateful I chose to survive and have experienced so much wonder and joy since I earnestly wrote the words above.

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