September: Revisiting the Notebook

“The best thing to do when fear strikes is to stand with it, learn from it, then act from what you learn.” Now, let’s keep learning, together. 
Julie JordanScott in her journal: September 1, 2015 

What I’ve learned from fear since that day three years ago is so rich and deep and varied and so much a continual process and practice, I recognize the value of sticking with this question and different aspects of it throughout this first week of the month of September, 2018. Longer if necessary.

We will assess and then choose different subjects to write about over these next thirty days of writing for five minutes a day, day in and day out. Now. for the nitty gritty.

Ironically, my theme in September is Intentional Abundance, like it was in September, 2000. I remember because this is right when I found out I was pregnant with Samuel and actually now that I peer over my left shoulder at the memory of who I was in August 2000 was a supremely brave person inside and out.

My actions were aligned with the bravado – and the bravery wasn’t exactly courageous it was – I see it now, a work-in-progress and part of that “act-as-if philosophy” more than anything else.

Three years ago I had dropped Emma off at the University she attended. I had woken up on Katherine’s dorm room floor at Princeton Theological Seminary, I had met my now son-in-law Donald and shared our first meal together. I had, before this day or maybe on this day, driven with a friend from Las Vegas to Bakersfield.

She and I are no longer friends and that took courage. Perhaps that was a turning point into true courage, to do what hurts and is horribly uncomfortable because it is the aligned action to take.

When I stand with fear and learn from it, I am in alignment with my life purpose. I know with grace and soul connection, no matter what happens, it will happen and I will respond.

I gave up saying trite phrases like “everything will be ok, don’t worry about it,” because that sounds so fake yet when one of my parent-club friends gave me the advice this week that said, “Chin up…” and keep moving, basically – that felt aligned to me.

What in the past might have brought a bristling response from me this week what I heard and translated from “Chin up” was, “You are tuned in. Instead of concerning myself with what feels sad or not-exactly-right.. well, those may be the facts just like the fact is – I aim to continue to walk, march, hobble sometimes and hopefully with a straighter spine and a more spritely step in the days to come – toward the end result I have hoped and prayed and gazed toward for far too long without making forward progress

It is not unlike my favored saying. Show up. Look up. Translate.

I have learned people do the best they can in the moment they are in. That includes me. I have learned forgiveness doesn’t mean stepping back into relationships though sometimes it can. I have learned what might look like the best circumstances aren’t and what looks pretty icky and wobbly may be the surprisingly perfect fit.

My timer didn’t sound, though my five minutes are more than up.

Please follow along in September as I revisit past journals and notebooks and continue my quest to rewrite one’s life narrative to lead a more compelling, creative and complete life filled with purpose, passion and play. (So sorry for the alliteration foul: sometimes with brain dumping or free flow writing, that sort of shows up. These posts will be largely unedited, first draft versions which I hope will help each and all of us recognize the power is in the “showing up” not the worry about whether or not something is absolutely “correct” or “incorrect” (whatever that means.)