If I had been paying attention, I might have realized there was going to be an all saints sort of theme at church this week.
I clearly wasn’t paying attention.
It feels like too many losses to count.
I have experienced numerous losses this year: my father died, my friend was murdered, because of my father’s death my mother moved into assisted living so there is no denying her frailty, their house was sold so there will be no more holiday memory making in Flagstaff, I moved from my home of thirty years for a year – my eyes were filling with tears as soon as I saw the centerpiece on the table at church. Memories. Deaths. Losses. All losses were piled upon losses were piled upon losses.
The service was an honoring of lives.
The intention was to bring joy to the memories of loved one, to honor the grief and the loss.
It might have been if I was emotionally prepared. Even before I got to church I had been feeling more low than usual – I wouldn’t call it lonely but I was aware of the aloneness as I faced Halloween in an unfamiliar neighborhood without friends to invite me to a party or the usual neighborhood kids looking cute in their costumes as I gleefully ohhhhhh and ahhhhhh and pass out candy.
Halloween has always been the beginning of the holiday season for me.
Since my daughter died more than thirty years ago, it is the time when I brace myself for what is to come.
What lessons has my grief taught me as we face the holiday season?
These five are the beginning – there are many more AND these will help you to begin having a more intentional – and more joyful – holiday experience.
- Being emotionally prepared before the day descends is always more helpful than not paying attention.
- Having a friend or two on stand-by if I need assistance or have that overwhelming “I just can’t do it” energy rise up.
- Recognize the day may be marvelous without any preparation at all – and mindfulness always serves my greater good than happenstance.
- People don’t mean to upset me when I am caught off guard by an event.
- I am grieving the best I can – whether I am in denial or fighting back tears or guiding others through their emotions – I am grieving – and living – in the best way I can.
Emotional preparation goes a long way to intentionally experiencing the holidays while we are grieving.
If you have friends who are experiencing grief, please remember them as we get closer to other holidays which may cause them to feel upset. If it is you who are grieving: I am here, sending love your way.
I also created this video in case you or someone you know is looking ahead for the holidays and is nervous about it:
Julie JordanScott is a multipassionate creative who delights in inviting others into their own fullhearted. artistic experience via her creativity coaching individually or in groups, courses and workshops. To receive inspiring content and videos weekly and find out more about Coaching, Courses, Challenges and what’s going on in the Creative Life Midwife world? Subscribe here:
She is also offering a new Create an Intentional Holiday Season While Grieving Coaching Circle beginning on November 16, 2021. For details on that program please click here.
Julie,
What a story you have to share and your kind heart oozes out from the video you made. I’m sorry for your regret of canceling Christmas. Isn’t it something how our older self always sees mistakes of our younger self and can pour on the guilt. I realized I made decisions based on the best of what I knew at the time. You probably did too. We don’t know the results those choices will cause, but we learn life lessons that make us better. You might not be doing what you’re doing had you not made those choices. Nothing is wasted. I love your heart to take what you learned the hard way, to help others on their grief journey.
Yes: I absolutely did my best… my sweet younger self did the best she could. I appreciate her for that – and I don’t feel nearly as guilty as I used to…. my work with intention, with mindfulness, with purpose, have all helped me to look at it all as a means to help others from what I have learned.
Holidays are often the hardest time for us to cope with grief. Too many memories associated with the events.
And the memories and expectations are so visceral and deep. The smoke rising from candles and the smells of the special foods, the specific prayers and how specific voices sounded as they spoke them. All compound the sadness – and this is part of why I am happy/honoring the sadness to help people during this time. Thanks for your comment, Roy.
Grief is hard anytime but especially around the holidays is bad for me. I miss my loved ones that are no longer with me but I try to focus on all the wonderful memories we had. I know they still live in my heart and I “see” them through butterflies and cardinals.
Thank you for sharing your story and your vulnerability. These are such good words for those who are going through the same journey.
So sorry for all your losses. I’ve been very fortunate. I still have both my parents. They are 90 and still living on their own. I don’t know how I will fare when it comes to their time. There have been quite a few losses during this covid times but they were at a distance. My biggest lost was Sheba, my dog. I had wondered how I would live through that but I have. There was no choice.
What a beautiful video! Thanks for sharing your heart and your grief with us. I am so sorry for your losses! For as much as I love the Christmas seasonn, it has never been the same since my mother died. Your community idea for those who are grieving is such a great idea.
So much grieve but your lovely spirit shines through!
So kind of you to say so!