Reviewing my life via the last five October 17ths is so intriguing. 

I would have forgotten so much specificity.

Two years ago I learned Katherine was pregnant in a comedy of errors. Ken texted me and asked how long I knew about the baby.

“Baby?” I texted “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I immediately leaped to Emma, since she was on the west coast with him and then I thought “Samuel?”

Emma started texting me then, attempting to run some version of interference.

“Emma, do you have something to tell me?” 

Meanwhile they reached out to Katherine to confess they had received a card in the mail in Bakersfield which beat all the other cards to other places and even before I was told in person. 

More bewildering to me is that she held onto this secret for three months.

Apparently she didn’t get the Mom-code memo the future maternal Grandma gets to know first. 🙈🤦🏻‍♀️

All of this overshadows the memories from five years ago when I was stuck in a hospital holding pattern.

The worst thing was my PICC line and feeling like I was being held hostage. 

They were starting to threaten me with the need for dialysis since my kidneys were not bouncing back like they hoped. 

I wondered if I would get out of the hospital. 

Grandbabies? An impossibility. 

Possibly going through dialysis at that time was a probability – and back then I didn’t have the awareness to know how that would have impacted my entire life.

😢

Today my Grandbaby was her charming self – and it took a lot of energy to be with her and reminded me that I need to have more structured activities for her in addition to free play. Just fun things to do together which for this little girl includes chores and conversation.

And today she started using Spanish. She said “agua” and “water” while drinking water. She said “amiga” and “adios” in exactly the correct context.

I’m alive. I’m active in her life. So far from when I hovered on death and was numb and stricken silent on my way back to get better.

Do any of these experiences resonate with you?

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