It sat on the edge of memory: an abandoned cotton field which I found incredibly beautiful. An Uber passenger who gave me a $100 dollar tip which allowed me to go to the Kern Shakespeare Festival. A therapist I wanted to click with badly and didn’t. Finally, returning to talk to a camera and anyone who later watched some stories I was unlikely to tell.

First: Wasted and Unharvested

I’m standing in a sea of cotton, here in Kern County, agriculture country. The cotton around me won’t be used for anything, which feels like such a waste. It reminds me of how often we don’t use our own gifts and talents, letting them sit idle, full of potential but untouched, unrealized. There’s something deeply personal in that for me.

I’ve never talked much about my daughter, who was stillborn. And standing here, I can’t help but think of the dreams I had for her—the dreams that never grew into anything. They stayed unfulfilled, just like this cotton, never reaching their potential.

It’s strange, isn’t it, how life mirrors the things around us?

A Gumball and Unspoken Pain

There’s something else I don’t talk about much, but it’s been on my mind lately. When I was a little girl, I almost died choking on a gumball. I still remember the panic, the way my mother tried to save me, right outside a grocery store. I haven’t thought about that in years—until recently.

Two weeks ago, in a therapy session, my therapist asked, “What’s the most pain you’ve felt in the last ten years?” And just like that, I felt my throat close up. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak. It was as if the question lodged itself in my throat, like that gumball all those years ago.

It took me two weeks to remember that story, but now it’s all coming back. Sometimes, the past sits there, waiting, until you’re ready to untangle it. And here I am, still processing, still discovering, still learning to breathe again.

The sun is setting now—time’s up.

I had no idea two years later I would almost die and five years after that, I finally felt strong enough to step into the memories completely, to process, to explore and to ultimately get to a new level of healing.

I’m curious: what speaks to you the most from this blog post and video?

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✍🏻I am a writer first, writing & creativity coach, multi passionate creative next. Writing has always been my anchor art and to her I always return. Thankfully, with great love.

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