I found my documentation of my first full day in the intensive care unit to be fascinating.
I believe – in writing and noticing from a distance – how numb I was and while grateful to share my experience, I was only comfortable at this point in the most surface share as possible.
I wrote:
“These are the curtains for my current… zone of experience.” I was unwilling to say I was in the Intensive Care Unit. I remember in the past when well meaning positive thinking people encouraged one another not to speak about reality if it wasn’t good.
I went on to discuss photo taking without saying I was referring to photo taking: “It was intriguing me to see what happens when you turn the light on and turn the light off.”
I refer back to my history and relate to my parents, who I hadn’t even told I was sick with pneumonia and didn’t tell them I was admitted to the hospital nor that I was admitted to the ICU. I wrote further “I’ve also found sometimes the lens clarifies things such as old grave markers your eyes can’t see details the lenses had. (Thanks, parents, for taking us on countless adventures in Northern Arizona cemeteries with nearly invisible headstones that we could magically see when we looked through our camera lens.)
I also loved sneaking some art appreciation into this experience.
After the introduction, I lean closer into reality:
Last night was rough. Very little sleep and then sleep interrupted. Really, a chest X-ray at 2 AM after my first 45 minutes of good sleep?
I won’t complain about all the horrid things that happened, because eventually I moved from jotting notes in a tiny notebook to jotting notes on my phone. Which leads to Gratitude #1
1. I have always excelled at advocacy for others and put myself into the “when there is enough time and resources” pile. My documentation – some bleary and messy – was so on purpose and so (in a weird way fun) and it subtracted the painful emotions I was feeling.
2. I am starting to feel like writing again, something that hasn’t happened since October 2 or so. I am wanting to create again – I even won a giveaway of Gelli plates from Gelli Arts – Gel Printing Plate and have yet to open or use because I was getting sick when I received them! So excited to create with them!
3. I also created a positive, collaborative partnership with my nurse last night. By this morning it felt like we were caring friends.
4. To the friends who managed to visit yesterday, thank you! To those who send love and follow along! Thank you! I’ll be more effusive in the future!
5. Bonus: the list making in #1 is what leads to suggestions for change which usually leads to research. I think I have discovered (and was confirmed during shift change) what actually happened medically on Thursday though no one specifically said the words to me. Will continue with deep thought-see diving which is something I love!
The bonus note sounds like the usual me. I was still there, underneath the fear, the struggle, the wishing I was anywhere except the hospital bed I was connected to by wires and cords and alarms.
Interesting also to note: we are on Day 12 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge and I have posted every. Single. Day.
This level of consistency on my blog is unusual for my recent history.
I am grateful to be writing and I am grateful for those of you reading and commenting.
Please tell me how your blogging (and life) is going in the comments.
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