Five years ago, I went silent.
I chose invisibility. I chose to crawl into silence, again, as that was what I believed would bring me the most comfort. Was it? Did it? I don’t know for certain if it did. I didn’t feel lonely or bereft.
I mostly felt disconnected.
I mostly didn’t understand.
I couldn’t answer any semblance of “the why.”
I didn’t feel motivated to do much of anything.
I remember people coming to the door with food I didn’t want. No one asked what I wanted.
No one suggested this or that.
People took the words they liked and pushed them into my mouth, nodding.
“So great that you’re home!”
Yes. So great to be home, sitting in this corner of the living room in a daze.
I remember pushing my computer aside, pushing my notebooks aside and thinking about this was not how I expected life to be after Samuel left for college.
This was supposed to be my time for freedom, not my time for sitting in a recliner feeling listless and the exact opposite of being alive.
I showed up minimally before returning always to the corner of the living room, returning relieved, to silence.
Until today, I didn’t know it was on October 22 that the curtain on withdrawal rose on my life stage for a season, the season before Covid19 spread itself out around the world.
There is joy, a quiet joy, in making time to see this experience. To listen to my silence. To come to understand, to love, to honor those moments and mindfully bring myself back with compassion, optimism and relentless hope.
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Such a powerful reflection on how life’s transitions can sometimes bring unexpected silence. Thank you for sharing your journey and inspiring us to embrace growth, even in the quiet moments. #Blogboost
Thank you for sharing this experience – and your sense of isolation being a prequel to the upcoming lockdown!
It’s sometimes a surprise when ‘good’ life transitions spark access different inner response than we’d expected!
It’s also a good reminder to check in with each other, and explore ways to best support them!
I love what you say here about people choosing words they liked and then pushing them into your mouth! It’s a brilliant way to describe the way people respond when you’re grieving and they can’t handle it. The silent corner experience resonates with me. In fact, I was visually remembering one of those experiences as I read this post.
I know what you mean when saying people were pushing words down your throat, I’m going through that now. Also like you, I feel like I want to crawl in a space with total silence. But we will make it Julie!
Yes, we will, Martha. Thank you for commenting.