I started this series to document the shifts that happen as I seek to rewrite the narrative that shapes my life, especially in relationship to a domino sequence of events from nearly ten years ago that created a wall of sorts I haven’t been able to move through. Revisiting the meaning I add to each vignette empowers me to claim my life experiences and create a door through the wall so that I may come to integrate the bricks into a new mosaic, perhaps into a path back into the light where I used to be most at home. Ironically I’ve been inconsistent with it. My aim now is to raise my level of consistency and share stories and progress (at least) daily.
I woke up this morning in a panic.
It wasn’t immediate, actually – I notice even though I’ve been awake for just over an hour, my mind is already revising the facts and the details.
I was awake early which was slightly weird – at just after 4 am – but not completely out of the ordinary. I had my phone in my hand when an acquaintance who was once a neighbor sent me a video chat request.
That sent me into a tailspin.
I declined the video chat and almost immediately when I felt unmistakeable fear swept across my body, radiating from my heart to my arms and legs and up and rushing around and looking for tasks to do and listening for anything scary to jump from the walls of the house.
What scared me?
How does it happen that fear just flies into the room like a stealth bomber and takes hold?
The video chat request may have been an accident but my animal brain caused fear to ricochet, “It wasn’t an accident. Watch out, the coast is not clear. Trouble, danger, back away from it now.”
An early morning video chat request meant someone knew I was awake so I couldn’t pretend I had the ability to safely be awake in silence. The request pierced my silent peace.
See, self, it isn’t an irrational fear. Something happened to alert your… my fingers stopped typing and I closed my eyes.
I don’t think I was ready to wake up.
The radiating fear may very clearly have come from the space nightmares come from: the depths of sleep, where the unspeakable darkness within us occasionally makes itself known.
The timer for my 5 minute writing period sounds and I may now complete this writing.
I want to have a capstone at the end.
I took my hands away from the keyboard and took several breaths, deep resonant breaths.
Old narrative: When fear sweeps in, panic is the next emotion in the train called “You and those you love are in danger. Dive into ground and burrow under the soil.”
New narrative: When fear sweeps in, take time to notice what is factual. Find comfort in the facts.
Julie Jordan Scott inspires people to experience artistic rebirth via her programs, playshops, books, performances and simply being herself out in the world. She is a writer, creative life coach, speaker, performance poet, Mommy-extraordinaire and mixed media artist whose Writing Camps and Writing Playgrounds permanently transform people’s creative lives. Watch for the announcement of new programs coming soon!
Contact Julie now to schedule a Writing or Creative Life Coaching Session, call or text her at 661.444.2735.
