What I say as a reflex: I want to fit in. I want to have a group of friends who are both a support system and who love me unconditionally where there is a reciprocity not because of expectations, but because we value one another.
Then there is the unaligned to a certain extent contrast: I don’t want to conform to the norms of any particular group because I don’t appreciate or value being “boxed in” to those norms.
I’m remembering back to my initial coaches training and listening skills. Are you listening to agree or disagree so you know how to “lob back” the conversation like a tennis match or are you listening from a perspective of, “Oh, that’s interesting, tell me more” space.
I know this past year was very lonely and I was rather isolated.
I intentionally took a year away from theater and at this point I would very much like to perform but I also know I just don’t want to audition for whatever comes along, I want to find a project and give my whole self to it. I am not sure what that will take or if it is possible now or in the near future.
Subtracting myself from a favored activity was difficult.
Subtracting myself from this activity reawakened other areas of dormancy and allowed me to focus on what was most important going forward: what would help me to build financial sustainability.
Subtracting myself hurt yet I was hurt by staying in a space that didn’t feel good anymore, too.
One of my biggest blocks is the fear of being abandoned and during this past year, some of these choices I made leaned toward to the natural experience of being left outside the foxhole. People didn’t even notice I was metaphorically out in the rain without an umbrella.
Because I wasn’t in the trenches with my theater friends, I wasn’t invited to other activities. My feelings got hurt over and over and it wasn’t until the Fall – nine months into the year – that I got the courage to say “this hurts my feelings.”
Some of my friends still don’t seem to know. I would rather believe they don’t know rather than they don’t care.
I left doing what I loved, I lost significant social relationships and there were lots of other tangled twists and turns AND it also feels like the tide is turning for me here in the beginning of January.
At first I thought I didn’t exactly switch my narrative here, but then I realized I didn’t conform to anyone else’s ideal in order to feel less uncomfortable. I stuck with the misery in order to process through it and now I feel 1000% better about life in general.
My goals for the New Year are in process, very cool activities and experiences are lining up for me. I am asking for support when I need it and I am no longer afraid to tell people how I feel, especially when I feel hurt.
Most importantly, I have clearly gotten better at releasing relationships that no longer serve.
Old narrative: Do what it takes to get approval of others so you won’t feel all alone.
New narrative: do what it takes to create breakthroughs, even if for what feels like a long time feels pretty awful. The invitations and opportunities will return. Trust, trust, trust the process.
Julie Jordan Scott inspires people to experience artistic rebirth via her programs, playshops, books, performances and simply being herself out in the world. She is a writer, creative life coach, speaker, performance poet, Mommy-extraordinaire and mixed media artist whose Writing Camps and Writing Playgrounds permanently transform people’s creative lives. Watch for the announcement of new programs coming soon!
Contact Julie now to schedule a Writing or Transformational Conversation Session at 661.444.2735. Please note she is in California in the USA in the Pacific Time Zone.