Creative Life Midwife

Inspiring Artistic Rebirth

Now Begin: Your Journey Back to Where You Were Always Meant to Be

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We’re being called to refresh our lives: to begin again, to realize and become who we were meant to become since even before we were born.

Our life coaching and personal growth series, “Now Begin, Again” will help you as you discover how to open, wake up, stop the negative self-talk and destructive habits and  replace them with all that is good, right, sacred and true. .

For the next few weeks I’ll be livestreaming the poem, “Now Begin” – sharing it’s transformative power with you. Along the way we will scoop up writing prompts, some stories and a lot of fresh new insights so that you may lead a better life.

I’ll be scattering the goodness on Facebook Live, Periscope and IGLive before I meander over to YouTube with it.

And Now, the Poem and the Introduction as shared on Instagram TV and Twitter:

The Poem that Started the Series: Written in 1999.

Take away the degrees, titles and accomplishments –


What is discovered at your core?\


What is your unique, special spark?


Buried deep, neglected, that you’ve chosen to ignore?

Seeking to please whomever.

Drowning out the pure longings of your heart

Struggling, freezing, suffocating –

Until finally, you choose to start. 

Whispers from the spirit.

Soul’s song from deep within.

After dancing, stranger among strangers –

Claim it. Your life. Now Begin – 

Take the poem more deeply with these prompts focused on the first line. Throughout the series more prompts will be offered for you to explore more deeply and begin again, better and better and better.

Writing prompts for a efreshed beginning from Julie JordanScott. Gain personal discovery while enjoying poetry from the Creative Life Midwife.

Julie JordanScott, the Creative Life Midwife, is a writer, a poet performer, a Creativity Coach, and a Mother of three. One of her
greatest joys include loving people into their greatness they just aren’t quite able to realize yet. To set up a complimentary exploratory session, please visit here.

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Bridge to the New Year Day 1 – Introduction: A Potpourri of Me

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Today’s prompt:

Use this prompt across social media – link up at JuicyJournaling.comhttp://juicyjournaling.com


My first thought was:


How am I going to get 10 – 30 things about me that are in anyway interesting that won’t bore everyone because we all know, well, some of us have been educated – there is nothing more horrid as an artist than being boring.


So. I took some time to brainstorm some things about me you may not know. I haven’t done much proofing so I apologize for any grammatical or spelling errors in advance. Take it as freedom to be imperfect.


1. I have never seen any Harry Potter films nor have I read any Harry Potter books. I know you may be saying “How shocking! That’s appalling! I would LOVE Hermione! How could I not read these fantastic books?! Two parts to that response. 1. I take offense when woman authors don’t proudly stand up and say “I am a woman!” granted, I didn’t know JK Rowlings’ story at the time or I might not have been so strident and 2. When I say something, I usually stick with it.

2. I am a melanoma survivor. I have a large heart scar on my face as a remnant and a reminder. I often cover it with hair styles.

3. I gave up acting for thirty years between the ages of eleven-years-old and forty-one-years-old. Although I am not as active in performance as I once was, I have done more than thirty stage productions, seven films, a documentary and a handful of commercials. Weirdly, I have an IMDB page. How did this happen?

4. Writing and poetry has been in my blood stream since before I was literate. I still love being read aloud to – it is one of my most favorite activities on the planet.

5. One of my highest values is showing up, so if I say I will be somewhere I try really hard to get there and if I am not there, I am either near dead, helping out in a child-emergency, or beating myself up for not planning better or whatever it is that got in my way.

6. I have a brown spot in my left eye. This is one of those boring trivia items just because I tell it all the time and it is no longer interesting.

7. When I was in high school, I entertained my friends during lunch by doing accents. Now I entertain my friends on live stream… doing accents.

8. My uncle Jim used to call me “A dandy baby” primarily because I smiled all the time and was very charming. I used this throughout my childhood and into young adulthood. I remember when we were traveling I would focus on business men with my coquette-ish flirting. I remember receiving at least one gift. In my first job after college at a rental car company, my co-workers were in awe of how many customers brought me gifts.

9. I am an ordained minister, like Joey in Friends. I am also an actual ordained deacon in the Presbyterian Church, USA. I can officiate weddings and funerals and any other sacred ceremonies people might want performed. I have the honor of doing weddings from time-to-time though I really loved facilitating/leading/officiating my brother’s celebration of life after he died and would enjoy doing more of those.

10. I have been blogging since 2003. I had a rather successful website from which I made a sustainable living from 1999 to 2007. I originally blogged to have an “unplugged” place online where I didn’t have to be my “professional persona” all the time. Everything has evolved but I have a block around websites. I have a new one half-assedly in the works and the designer of CreativeLifeMidwife and I never really hit it off in a way that made completion a thing. So. There’s that.

11. I am an art journaler and mixed media artist. (I said that aloud here for some of my artist friends who have been waiting to hear me confess that.) As far as visual arts go, I have mostly sold photos but I have also sold several mixed media pieces. Not a lot, but… perhaps someday.

12. I love to travel and aim to be a digital nomad once my children are up and out of the house. After today, with Emma’s health issues I wonder if that will be any time soon at all, which is a fair thought neither to her nor my vision for the world and the future. These thoughts are exactly why Bridge to 2019 is so important! To work through what happened and gain clarity so that intentions may be set and re-visioning may take place.

13. I have been writing since before I could write. I would dictate to my mother and she would write out what I said and I would copy it in crayon. This is part of my ‘writer’s story” which I feel I overtell.

14. Before I was 45 I lost 5 close friends to various sorts of cancers. I have never explored the impact of this, but I don’t know anyone else who has lost so many close friends. I just connected how close their deaths came to John’s death and the many losses of 2006/7.

15. Speaking of 2007, when John died, I had an out of body experience. How I describe it is this: my soul leaped from the shell that hosts it and chased after John. God (insert whatever word you use here) literally shoved me back into my body and wordlessly told me “No you don’t! Your work isn’t done here.” I might not have believed this really happened except my children who were in the car with me when it happened (yes, the car was parked) saw my body rise up, flop down and miraculously not crash my head against the steering wheel on the descent.

16. I am a PTA Mom. This didn’t happen until Samuel was in High School. I believe in parental involvement, but usually kept my business on the district level. I am grateful my time as a PTA Mom is almost over. My specialty within the group beyond being the secretary is doing all the public speaking and selling stuff.

17. I have been known to say my children are my greatest creative project of all. I believe this to be true. My biggest fear in life is failing my children. I don’t think this fear will ever go away.

Emma, Samuel and I at my childhood home in Glen Ridge, NJ in 2017

18. I believe the world is filled with loving people, primarily wanting to have a positive place in the world. I recently saw this unfold when a totally diverse group of strangers and friends rallied around a young refugee woman from Cameroon I befriended while she was in detention at an ICE facility here in Bakersfield. These people didn’t ask about political parties, religion, socioeconomics, anything. They heard there was a need they could fill and they did, immediately and in the moment. This was one of the most humbling, incredible experiences of my life. I’m sure it will come up during the Bridge.

19. I have four brothers and one sister. I have had one brother die. I basically don’t speak to two of my siblings and sometimes I wonder how they will feel when I die. I think I have grieved the loss of our connection for a long time, so I have no idea how I will grieve. My brother I am in closest touch with texted me tonight and confirmed we will all have Christmas together, something Mom had mentioned but I was afraid to follow up on. This means – during the Bridge, I will have a closer answer.

20. I realize I have many more than 30 I could share actually, but I will stop here. I separated out the birth stories. I have always been fascinated with birth stories (there is a reason I am the creative life midwife!) and Katherine is named after a midwife – who happened to be one of my close friends who died very young – but I figured not everyone is as enamored. Oh, wait. Make it 21.

One of my favorite photos of my daughters and me, circa 2012 ish.


21. I am a relatively open book and will answer most questions I am asked directly without hesitation. Feel free to ask.

Birth Stories:
22. I have been pregnant 5 times. I have three living children and 2 other daughters-of-the-heart who refer to me as Mom or My Mom.
23. When I gave birth to Samuel, I was speechless when I saw I had managed the impossible – giving birth to a boy. (If you are willing to have some TMI, I also had an orgasm when I had Samuel. How strange is that! I will never tell him that though… just too weird.)
24. When I gave birth to Emma, my first loving words to her were, “She has a cone head.”
25. When I gave birth to Katherine, it took me a while to look at her. I was scared. After all, the first thing I said after Marlena was born was, “Our baby is dead.” I think I’ll edit that out. In the end,  I chose not to. Edit it out.

Julie JordanScott is The Creative Life Midwife and one of the Founders of Bridge to the New Year. Join us in reflecting, connecting, intending and taking passionate action to create a truly remarkable 2019. 

See posts at JuicyJournaling.com,  on Instagram

Join the conversation in our closed  Bridge to the New Year Facebook Group

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5 Questions to Determine “Your People” (Some People Call this “Your Target Market”)

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“Surround yourself with similarly-visioned people and others that seem to afford opportunities. It takes discipline to network regularly and routinely to develop these relationships while being sincere about how the relationship will be mutually beneficial. But, don’t be scared to explain how you can be valuable and a resource to the person. I always ask how I can be a resource to the person. Inevitably, I come across friendships, investment opportunities, and offered positions.”

–Steve Iskander, chief growth officer at DriverReach, a digital, mobile-first applicant tracking system that helps recruiters manage the CDL driver application process, where he grew revenue at the company by 40 percent each month in 2018

In our one page marketing plan, one of our first tasks is to determine or choose or create a profile to define and imagine our ideal client, customer or reader. As creatives, we will purposefully use processes that are engaging to our imagination and a combination of linear, language, images and playful experimentation.

To do so, we may begin with 5 simple questions and create, craft and move from there.

Who are my people?

Let’s consider this: where do my people “hang out” both in their local communities and online. Ask both what keeps them awake at night and what delights them in a way that stirs their hearts into action? What do my people actively request and seek “more of that please” their lives?

Maybe you’re like me and the whole notion of creating an ideal-client avatar feels heavy, start with the best version of yourself.

Where do I love to hang out?

What keeps me awake at night?

What delights me in a way that stirs my heart into action?

What do I actively seek and say “more of that, please” in my life?

We’ll start with 5 minutes of free flow brain dump writing in response to these questions.

Simply pick one and write from it.

Another way to jump-start your writing is to re-read the quote this blog post started with and then begin to write – for just five minutes.

Once you’ve completed that, we will go on to the “what’s next.”

“Surround yourself with similarly-visioned people and others that seem to afford opportunities. It takes discipline to network regularly and routinely to develop these relationships while being sincere about how the relationship will be mutually beneficial. But, don’t be scared to explain how you can be valuable and a resource to the person. I always ask how I can be a resource to the person. Inevitably, I come across friendships, investment opportunities, and offered positions.”

Your next question to open yourself to considering is how does your product or service meet the needs of your people?

How does your vision for your business intersect with what your ideal client, customer or reader come together or intersect in a mutually beneficial way? This may take several creative sessions. 

The point is to open your heart and your mind and allow your creative thoughts to flow.

Stand by to see how this is morphed into a marketing message and marketing story, to be used and told repeatedly.

Julie Jordan Scott (the one who wrote this blog post) says: This is what I crave for you: soulful creativity, aliveness in your passionate productivity, and a deeper sense of knowing how you belong in the world so that together we will be able to create a context for the rest of your life via your next book or your next workshop or simply your next day, week, month or year.


The people who named me “Creative Life Midwife” found words and paint and laughter and flexed their courage muscles on the way to a deeper satisfaction in their daily lives via new blogs, books, webinars and friendships – just to name a few. Contact me now for your complimentary Transformational coaching conversation.  Click here to complete the request form now.  

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How to Use “The Monster” Storytelling Archetype to Market Your Product or Service

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“The Monster” archetype is summarized as those times when “bad” or uncontrollable energy or happenstance appears which you (or in marketing, your client or customer or character in your ad campaign) eventually rise above, victoriously.


This is an archetype easily used by healing artists, storytellers – anyone who provides a product or service that makes someone feel better about some experience or circumstance.


In these cases I consider my cancer journey, my client’s experience of grief, perhaps the movie “Jaws” or I think about Julie Andrews losing her ability to sing.


I wrote for two consecutive 5 minute brain dumps today writing to the prompt of “monsters” which became “These are the topics I have never wanted to talk about.”


What you see next is simply stream of consciousness. No editing or foresight. In using this approach, I was able to tune into my own process AND glean insights my clients/customers/students may relate to as well.

Follow along with me now as I wrote to this prompt:


It hurts too much to open the door, which is why we keep the door shut and refuse to open it.


It is why the word “cancer” is whispered and we turn our heads from the mirror when we see our scars or an obstruction that blocks us from seeing what we would rather see. Even with that, we can’t stop watching the tragedy – the airplanes flying into the twin towers – is on replay in our mind’s eye, the most horrific images from wartime (I am seeing a few in my mind as I write) the heart stopping stories I look forward to watching each week on Law and Order, SVU.


Yesterday I spoke on the phone to a personification of “The Monsters” in my life. A person whose presence in my life initiated an episode of abandonment in my life I rarely address.


It was interesting because for the first time since that episode, I wasn’t overly troubled by the conversation. I still haven’t come to a conclusion about where I will take the conversation or what I will do with it, but it seems that particular chapter has lost some of its power as distance and time often does.


(It actually stirs me to think of lines of poetry in my head, oddly or not.)
The monster archetype and rising above it is a story of healing, a story of proclaiming victory – a definitive overcoming of the monster, not the surprise “this isn’t really over” almost to the ending scenario but the true ending.


I might have proclaimed victory from melanoma, but the scar on my face troubled me a lot in the year afterwards so much so, I had a second surgery to make it not so pronounced.


My face still hurts in very cool temperatures and I notice that as I age, it takes on different nuances.


I suppose overcoming that monster is more like making peace with its presence on my face. I actually think my scar is cool much of the time.
People look at it in a sort of awe when they notice it is shaped like a heart. Other times they make up stories that I was attacked by a knife wielding… lover of love to leave a heart shape? I don’t know what they think when they think that but when I say it came thanks to melanoma people look relieved that I wasn’t attacked by a fellow human, instead I was attacked by a disease.


I stop typing momentarily. I think about the real monsters in my life, the ones that stay in the closet and remain untalkaboutable: the fear of being abandoned and alone. (My stress cough showed up as I typed that.)
The fear of my children having unsurmountable problems.
The fear of being disliked by people I treasure the most.


Some of these fears have already been realized and I have survived.


I am literally laughing and coughing, coughing and laughing because as I continue writing and continue to “speak my truth” through writing it on the page in spite of the coughing that attempts to choke me into silence, I am beating the monster one slug at a time.


#End Writing –


And to layer this over my Core Message: Express Yourself Freely, On Purpose to Leave the World Better than How You Found It….

The fact I wrote and laughed as I coughed and my stress cough has been a huge barrier for expression… I believe I am onto a victory of one of my biggest battles.


THAT FEELS PRICELESS!


Stand by to see how this is morphed into a marketing message and marketing story, to be used and told repeatedly.

Julie Jordan Scott (the one who wrote this blog post) says: This is what I crave for you: soulful creativity, aliveness in your passionate productivity, and a deeper sense of knowing how you belong in the world so that together we will be able to create a context for the rest of your life via your next book or your next workshop or simply your next day, week, month or year.

The people who named me “Creative Life Midwife” found words and paint and laughter and flexed their courage muscles on the way to a deeper satisfaction in their daily lives via new blogs, books, webinars and friendships – just to name a few. Contact me now for your complimentary Transformational coaching conversation.  Click here to complete the request form now.  

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7 Simple Steps to Set Yourself Up For Journaling & Writing Success

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Writing success is so much simpler than people believe AND that doesn’t necessarily make it easy.

Simplicity definitely does make it do-able.

The first simple step to take is to set yourself up to write.

This is as simple as preparing a place to write. Just like we set the table before we eat a meal or set up a shot before we make a video or take a photo, we may also set up for writing.One of the suggestions I make to those who are almost always “going to write today” and then don’t is to literally put out all the writing tools they need, take some other unrelated action, and then plop down in the chair and write.

How it looks in seven easy steps goes like this:

  1. Place your notebook (or journal or writing paper), your pen or pencil (or tablet or phone).
  2. Set a water bottle beside your writing tools.
  3. If you like to write with music, preset the music you like.
  4. Whatever it is you prefer to have for your writing experience, literally put it all in one spot.
  5. Write a prompt across the top of the page or document. (There are many right on this page. Pull one down and use it, choose several to give you variety if that helps you get your energy flowing.
  6.  You might write a question such as “What is the best focus on my social media this week?” or “What are some sample headlines I might use for blog posts this week?” or “How may I be a heroine for my clients, customers and readers this week?”
  7.  Then do the opposite of writing: take 15 minutes (or your preferred allotment of time) to cook, to walk, to do a yoga sequence, a photo taking session, a drive, a shower – whatever it is that you enjoy doing to clear your mind and get into your body, to become more alert and then without any hesitation, sit in the chair and write.

You may want to light a candle or speak your intention aloud. I like to have my essential oils diffusing, so that’s an example of an extra item I use.

It is that simple.

You may follow along this week as we continue to learn tips, hacks and share stories on my livestreams (Periscope, Facebook Live, Instagram Live) this week as well as on IG-TV, Instastories, and YouTube. If you feel compelled to create content from what we’re sharing here, please tag me so I may support you and share what you’re up to with others.

Let’s have a more successful writing week than we ever imagined.

What’s the first writing project you will set free this week?

Our 5for5BrainDump 5 Day Writing Adventure is coming up next week – it is free for you to make your journaling and writing better at any time! To join us live, please take a moment to register here – and in thanks, you may download our free Strategic Journaling Guide for your future success with writing and with life, overall as well. 

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Art Journaling Plus Writing Follow Up = Insights Galore

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Sometimes art journaling and art making lead to surprising word combinations I enjoy taking more deeply with journaling of the more conventional kind: free flow writing.

Look what happened here:

The phrase “compassionate punishment” has continued to sit with me. If we were sentient beings in the same room, compassionate punishment would be sitting in a fashionable knock-off of a mid-century modern arm chair and I would be here, in my writing corner recliner wondering how long it will take me to feel better this morning after a difficult night.

When I feel like this, I hear voices of the past, like these:

Blond woman at Moms Group at church or was it, perhaps Bible Study, “Sometimes you just have to get on with it,” when I spoke about depression and loneliness.

I translated that into “Don’t talk about your feelings here at church. People won’t like you. Stay away.” My compassionate self-punishment was to not engage vulnerably with that particular woman again. I found others people to interact with and chose to stay away from that with her even though I would be happy to see her again.

Speaking of staying away, I… lost whatever image I meant to portray here.

I lean back in my recliner and decide which portion of this brief writing to leave unspoken.

“Earth is forgiveness school” Anne Lamott’s words and memory continues to haunt me.

I typed those words and a sweet bird sits on the brand of the tree that lives in my yard. Hop up, hop down.

“Earth is forgiveness school.” The bird, a vision of grace, reminded me of the love surrounding me, always.

Most recently, someone who was once my friend said to me not once, not twice, “Are you happy now, Julie?” in another moment of time that is scorched into my head. It literally took me about an hour to figure out what she was talking about, but I knew immediately the intent was for me to feel ashamed.

This morning I spoke with a friend who described me as grouchy. “I am allowed to feel what I feel,” I told him. “plus I wouldn’t call authentic feelings grouchy.”

Thankfully investing an hour or so in constructive conversation was exactly the medicine I needed to feel better. I can see the sentient-being-compassionate-punishment armchair has fallen asleep for now.

All’s well.

= = = =

The next #5for5BrainDump session: always free with miraculous creative breakthroughs, has been scheduled! August 21 – August 25 we will be creating/journaling/writing along the themes of Starting Fresh: Your Creative Rebirth. To receive emails about the free session details as well as a weekly tips-and-tricks note from Julie, please sign up (yes, always free) here. 

 

 

 

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Strategic Journaling: How to Help Yourself to Find the “Right” Words When They Go Into Hiding

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There are times when I can’t access the exact right words to say what my heart is calling me to say. This is embarassing to admit as a writer, but I am nothing if not authentic.

Sometimes it is a feeling I’m attempting to describe, sometimes it is a concept just on the edge of language – but not quite inside the language sphere and the longer and more I try to smooosh the concept or feeling into language, the more it moves away.

Rather than get frustrated I have found a few strategies to “free” the words that are stuck inside me and then return to the writing process reinvigorated.

1. Create something that isn’t connected to language: borrow your child’s crayons and fill a sheet of lined paper with circles, then color them in. As you are drawing, focus on the experience. When you are complete with it, return to your writing with the prompt, “What I mean to say is…”

2. Go for a five to ten minute walk. As a bonus, speak affirmations and positive mantras of your choosing as you walk.  Return immediately to your writing and use the prompt. “I know what I have to say is valuable. People will be thankful to know…..

3. Garden, cook, fold laundry or do other mundane chores. While doing the chores, start a very carefree inner conversation in your mind about the topic you are writing about today. Make associations to the folding, the stirring, the digging with your topic at hand. As new thoughts begin to pour in, say thank you aloud or silently. Return to the page with the words, “What I discovered is….

Here is a very short video for you about writing affirmations – similar to the walking affirmations – that may help your words flow as well.

Pick one to start with and remember these very simple and easy techniques to keep your words flowing.

🌀📚 .If you have further questions about staying in the writing flow, consider a complimentary transformational coaching conversation now. Request a session by clicking here now.

Julie Jordan Scott inspires people to experience artistic rebirth via her programs, playshops, books, performances and simply being herself out in the world.  She is a writer, creative life coach, speaker, performance poet, Mommy-extraordinaire and mixed media whose Writing Camps and Writing Playgrounds permanently transform people’s creative lives.

Her life changing, free #5for5BrainDump programs are available to you this Summer by visiting this link.

To contact Julie to schedule a Writing or Creative Life Coaching Session, call or text her at 661.444.2735.

Be sure to check out  her social media channels in the links above, especially if you find the idea of a Word-Love Party bus particularly enticing.

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Create Your Own Retreat: Whether You Have an Hour, a Weekend or 5 Minutes a Day!

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What prevents you from experiencing the positive experiences of a sacred or creative retreat?

What I hear most often is “I don’t have the time” or “I can’t afford to go…”

Can you imagine another option?

Watch this short video for ideas to use right now.

Next week we’re creating a Virtual Retreat with #5for5BrainDump. This is your perfect chance to try out what you’ve seen on the video!

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Out in the Great Beyond Woo Woo: Having Fun with Factual because who pushes applecarts anymore, anyway?

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What does it mean to be “woo woo”?

I learned today from google that “woo woo” is a cocktail that sounds pretty darned yummy and what I was looking for was a classification of people or the way some people experience… again caught in a web of words.

It is almost a pejorative when someone says “woo woo”. When I say it,  I am often describing myself, the mystical me – the one who believes in a sort of alternate way at times that people who are more linear or scientific or stodgy might not understand. They might say I am cooky or nuts or… out there.

See, words can be tricky.

This is how it relates back to the Untalkaboutables.

I remember before Samuel was diagnosed with autism. I didn’t want to talk about his autism in certain circles because I could hear them say things like “don’t use labels” even in a movie I loved recently they kept saying “quirky” instead of autism. A women behind me said “He has autism.”

When we dance around or use metaphor or refuse to face what is so – we cloak that topic in being wrong and our mind hears “wrong” and this can be, at least, frustrating to those of us who thrive on accuracy and damaging to those of us whom “people pleasing” flows through our veins whispering “don’t do it wrong, don’t upset the apple cart”.

Who even pushes an apple cart anymore? Who even uses an apple cart anymore?

Practice in talking:

1. Practice being as factual in your conversation as possible.

2. If you are uncomfortable with just starting being factual, add a preface in your conversation – something like “I am attempting to be as succinct and close to the facts as possible, like an old-time journalist be.”

3. Do the opposite: be as ridiculously, flagrantly un-factual as possible in your conversation. This is actually a lot of fun and quickly brings us back to the facts.

And as always, we may start this practice with our writing. Take the three steps above from conversation and write them, instead.

I would love to hear from you about your progress with talking about your “Untalkaboutables”. Please comment your thoughts, experiences with woo woo and/or applecarts and maybe you would benefit from watching  more on my YouTube channel, too.  This particular video is about the twisting, curvy road of transformation. Take a moment to watch this video and then subscribe over there as well.

 

 

 

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Still Here, and That’s Just Fine…. Shifting the Fear Narrative

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Today I used a quote as a writing prompt, simply writing whatever flew off the ends of my fingertips in response.

I wrote this short essay in five minutes and maybe two more, to bring it to conclusion.

It was written in #5for5BrainDump style and I am thrilled to announce our next #5for5BrainDump session has been scheduled to begin June 18. Come back tomorrow for a link to the free sign up page. (Woeful mailing list issues).

Now, wisdom from Carolyn Myss, a different child-like version of me and a surprisingly… well, just me-me.

“Do you really want to look back on your life and see how wonderful it could have been had you not been afraid to live in?”
Caroline Myss

This quote hits me like a shocking slap to the face.

Ouch. Sting. I reach for my face – my heart shaped scar, the tears that want to pour out but stay continually stuck. Frozen.

I do not want to look back on my life and see fear everywhere.

I have stopped saying the word “want” as much as possible.

My aim is to look back and be satisfied, even with the fear-filled moments.

There is a little how do I describe her – a little contrarian Julie sitting on my right shoulder who wants to defend me. “Do you know what Julie has been through? She deserves to be afraid. She has earned a holy fear. Seriously, do you know her stories?”

I want to shush her, it’s embarrassing, and I remember Adam, my twice-time counselor saying something similar. “Give yourself a break, Julie” and I look back into my memory and say. “But Adam, I am still here. I am still here.”

I am thrilled to look back at my life in ten years and say. “This is that time when I transformed. This is the time when I chose differently.” (I wanted to say ‘finally’ and I controlled myself.)

All of the fear mongering experiences have served me, strangely, in adding a more compassionate side and gaining multitudes of life. I continually learn about self-forgiveness and compassion. I could have a PhD (at least) in patience.

I’m a grief expert, and my shortcomings – not wanting to create more strife or have confrontations or let go – these are areas I recognize and continue to work on.

When I look back at my life, I see purple. I smell lavender and juniper and surprisingly moist soil and last year’s leaves. I hear birds– familiar and not-so-much, pencils scratching on paper, and I see smiles slowly breaking across faces and eyes crinkling up. I see tears: of awe and bitter sadness.

A quiet voice inside just said. “and you did your best.”

That earlier contrarian Julie is in disagreement.

I am choosing to let go of the frustrated nihilist child and am willing to nod in agreement.  I’m willing to receive the assessment, “I did my best.”

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