jjscreativelifemidwife – Creative Life Midwife

Not on My Bucket List: Growing from the Unexpected Curves in Your Life’s Journey

February 25, 2021 by jjscreativelifemidwife 1 Comment

A bucket list on its side asks the question, "What to think about things that aren't on my bucket list?" and yet they may be significant growth experiences.

Today another item I never wanted to have on my bucket list will be quickly added and crossed off.

A needle will be inserted into my chest to withdraw fluid from a mass of unknown origin. I am hoping it is merely an infection. I am hoping it is not Valley fever. I am hoping it can be excised without much trouble. I am hoping.

What happens to items on our bucket list when the unexpected occurrences we never wanted to happen, happen:

I have not been writing much because having something frightening like this tends to silence my words. Even when I have a lot of stories to tell, the fear hovers. It gets stronger the longer I sit and stew even as I want to talk about it and process it with others.

I have wanted to toss it into conversations about completely unrelated topics even when it makes no sense at all.

A spirited discussion of a well written book is overcome by an avalanche of thought in my head that sounds like this: “what if this thing in my chest is cancer? What if this thing in my chest is a danger to my future? What if this thing in my chest is another chapter in my ‘so close but not quite’ which could very well be the title of the movie of my life.“

I miss the discussion that is actually happen and get caught up in my tangled thoughts.

The anti-bucket list item turns into a quickly turning road going nowhere particularly constructive.

I think of making a rag doll to sleep with, a toddler sized one with brown braided hair and blue eyes, a mini-me who might have matching heart scars to mine. Maybe we will both wind up with non-heart-shaped scars over our collective heart space. Maybe that would be cute and sweet and comforting.

This may be absolutely true and how constructive is this path? Creative output does heal – and is this something I really WANT to do with my time right now or is the idea comfort enough?

Maybe this twist in the bucket-list road would be better?

Last night I found myself lying in my bed in a cocoon of pillows like when I was in the hospital, valley fever no one knew I had, sepsis, organ failure, near death. Last night as I settled in the pillows helped it feel so much better than anything else has felt in a long time. It was cloud-like yet solid, so supported I wished I had someone there to read to me. A soothing voice to read from the novel I am reading or to read pages from the book of Julian of Norwich or perhaps even read about how to create supportive loving habits.

For now I don’t have anyone to do that but I do have the pillows. I can recreate soft holding support. Yes! Something I can actually do easily.

The end of the road leads to Ralph Waldo Emerson?

I am reminded of the message I meant to send today, the one inspired by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

A curvy road is much like our concerns when we are facing the unknown. The quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson reminds us "Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year."

Today, even after all I have spoken I can still say I am waking up to the thoughts of Ralph Waldo Emerson, he who wrote “Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.”

You might be saying “This does not jive with what you wrote above this fold – you just said you aren’t familiar with the ‘not tragic’ and ‘I never wanted’ and ‘frightening’ how does this add up to “the best day in the year”?

Quite simple, actually.

I am alive. My heart is still beating. I am able to create as I want to create. I have clean water to drink. I have a future in the works. I smelled almond orchards in bloom last night. I walked this morning. I am writing now. I am able to say what I most want to say.

I am awake on this, the best day of my year so far. And tomorrow, I will live the best day of my year so far because I am choosing for that to be how and what it is.

What if every day was a bucket list celebration?

In the meantime, I will be thinking of some other word for “bucket list” because that is focused on death – kicking the bucket – and after two cancers, a couple valley fever episodes, sepsis, kidney failure – I am all about the living and loving and being with whatever is and choosing the best even when it looks like it completely sucks.

It isn’t about the lessons I am learning, it is about the breath I am breathing and the love I am knowing more deeply every single day.

Julie Jordan Scott is the Creator of the Radical Joy of Daily Consistency Course which helps people practice consistency and completion daily in order to experience a more incredible life experience. She also founded the free, private facebook community for writers and creative people at all levels of experience: the Word Love Writing Community. Join us!

What have you learned from reading so far this year?

February 16, 2021 by jjscreativelifemidwife 5 Comments

What is the most recent book you read recently because you wanted to experience personal growth? In the beginning of the year, self-help and goal setting and improvement books fly off the shelves and out of publisher’s warehouses.

While this may seem like a simple question, sometimes the books that help us grow may be unexpected. Let’s consider different factors and allow possible answers to surprise you.

This week I finished several books. I finished “The Practice” by Seth Godin and “The Nickel Boys” by Colson Whitehead.

When books become friends, they become lifelong companions.

Reading Godin’s book again is like having a reunion with an inspiring friend. I first read him years ago when i was new on the entrepreneurial, transformational creativity path. What I enjoy about his work is he is aligned with me AND he challenges me to think, act and grow better – with purer intention and awareness.

When I finished “The Nickel Boys” a novel about two young men in a 1960’s reform school in Florida completely opened my eyes. I read and actively enjoyed this book so much that I was known to blurt out joy by saying “Oh, this man can write!” or in dismay, “No, I can’t… I can’t keep reading this right now… no,” and walking away for three days until I felt restored enough to face reality.

At the end of the book, I wanted to fill up the trunk of my car with copies of this book and give it away to people who I know would read it because while we – as white people – can use words like “white privilege” sometimes don’t get it because we can’t quite get it clear. This novel helped to clarify not only white privilege, but the heart of Martin Luther King’s message as lived by a group of young men – while at the same time using language effortlessly and not needing to paint violent details.

One book: obvious personal development. Another book, fiction based on history, quieter and also deep in my core soulful personal development.

Taking a moment to move into a political direction: feel free to step off the post AND please tell about books you have read.

I don’t usually get political here on this blog, but I am about to do so briefly. If you do not want to deal with anything political today, I understand and invite you to simply comment about the above material and know if you are curious, this blog post will stay here for you to consider.

On the same day I am writing this, reports from the New York Times are telling us a woman named Amy Cooper fulfilled her judge appointed goals after being a typical “racist Karen” when she falsely reported a black man on a 911 call for threatening her because he asked her to follow the law and put her dog on a leash instead of allowing it to run freely in Central Park in New York City.

After she was arrested, she went to court and the judge requested she attend five sessions of therapy and proclaimed better. The educational course of study was specifically about racial bias.

To read an article that summarizes what happened, please visit this article from the New York Times.

What if the course of study included literature, film, art & heartfelt conversations?

I wonder what would happen if the educational course of study included reading and reflective writing? I wonder what would happen if Ms. Cooper and others read some books and wrote about what the books meant to her and how she would choose to live those books?

Perhaps we could put people who behave like she did with reading a book, watching a movie, looking at an art exhibit and then reporting back to the world how she grew from those experiences and how she will live differently as a result.

What might happen then?

Maybe we could entrust that reporting to her therapist would make a difference.

With well written, topical works would perhaps be influential upon people like Amy Cooper – and people like us witnessing the broken system and help us move one another and the system into a more aligned place – would learn more than just shouting and flailing and constantly standing on one end of the “us vs them” continuum.

Please share in the comments your book & reading recommendations PLUS any relevant conversation.

Gratitude: It doesn’t always look like you expect it to –

February 13, 2021 by jjscreativelifemidwife 5 Comments

This morning I was scrubbing the toilet. Round and round I went with the brush, round and round and round.

I remembered when my son was little and the only way I could get him to allow me to wash his ears was to make it into a game. First we would play the game of washing his hands in the kitchen sink. We would dunk them 100 times in the water and then dry them with a washcloth. We would then get another clean washcloth and wash his ears with gusto and joy, he would be laughing and squirming and I would be grateful for making up this game, otherwise his ears would have gotten horrible and I would have felt like a neglectful mother.

I am grateful I am still able bodied to scrub the toilet.

I am grateful I have a toilet to scrub.

I have had an intentional relationship with gratitude for a while now, but at first, it was not entirely wanted. I didn’t believe gratitude was all that useful.

I knew about people who went on and on about “an attitude of gratitude” and usually they looked about as plastic as the Barbie my daughter played with every once in a while.

Then I hit one of my first rock bottoms on the way to a long sequence of rock bottoms.

I started tracking my gratitude every day and posting it on a now defunct social media meets goalsetting website. I did this for 500 days. Now I use gratitude as the closing to my daily writing practice and teach the same method in the writing workshops I lead.

Ending one’s writing practice with gratitude brings the end of the session to an upswing, something that is often a necessity if the writer has processed a lot of garbage and grit and not-so-pleasant stuff – like most people face when they scrub the toilet.

I’m going to ask you about gratitude – and I want you to pause before you throw down the first thing that pops into your mind.

What are you grateful for that is underneath what you usually say.

If you are grateful for your child, think about what annoys you about the said child and consider what about that annoyance can you claim as gratitude.

If you are grateful for your home, think about a chore that you don’t like so much and think about what about that chore is actually a blessing.

If you are grateful for the sunshine outside your window, remember the last time you got caught, unprepared for the weather – and what brings a smile to your face from that memory.

Now jot one or two of those items in the comments.

Gratitude, when expressed from your deepest gut places, is immensely transformative.

Why It May Benefit You To Consider Tree Hugging Now

February 12, 2021 by jjscreativelifemidwife 6 Comments

Why Hug a Tree?

Remember when we used to be able to hug people without thinking about risking our health?

That’s one reason why hugging trees feels so good right now.

I remember in 2019 regularly attending First Friday, an event in Downtown Bakersfield on the First Friday of every month. Art galleries and businesses downtown would be open and artists would line the streets, performers would be out and “my people” would inevitably either be showing their wares or circulating or performing.

I was guaranteed to hug and be hugged, smile at others and smile back, sing and laugh and play and be silly and for now, anyway.

I don’t have that on the First Friday of every month right now.

What is available is plenty of trees to hug, even in cities.

Yes, what I do have is an abundance of trees to hug.

Trees are in parks, they line many streets and parking lots. They are in my yard and in the yards of friends I can wave to and talk to outdoors from a safe distance.

When I hug a tree, I focus on one thing: feeling and experiencing a hug. On any given day I may also focus on healing for myself,for the rest of the world, the specific tree I am hugging, the neighborhood.

Specific health benefits of tree hugging

When you are tired, you allow yourself to feel the reciprocity the tree offers, just like the reciprocity humans offer. It isn’t exactly the same AND it is powerful in its own right.
You may receive positive energy from the tree, enough of this energy to find myself giddy and laughing.
Cardiovascular health and even obstetrical outcomes are improved when we utilize parks, green spaces, and hugging the trees within as noted in this research from Pennsylvania scientists.

In observing the tree, you will also notice how the branches bend and stretch. These may ignite associations in you like they do for me in my business and my life.
The scents from the trees serve as an up close and personal aromatherapy. You can feel myself relaxing as youhug the tree. Stress relief comes.
Matthew Silverstone noted in his book, Blinded by Science, evidence confirming trees and their healthful benefits includes their effect on mental illnesses, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), concentration levels, reaction times, depression, and the ability to alleviate headaches.
“Nature Deficit Disorder is real! Families need nature in urban areas, reports the New York Times . Tree hugging creates a deep connection point for urban nature, especially during times of Covid.

What I have learned in 52 consecutive days of Tree Hugging:

Since I started hugging trees every day for more than 50 consecutive days, I have never walked away from a tree hugging experience and felt worse. I always felt better.

When I focus on what I can do: I am able to hug trees, even with the pandemic, rather than what I can’t do – I can’t responsibly hug people who aren’t in my household. After hugging a tree, I re-discover joy, I open to what is present in abundance, I tune into what feels better.

How to Hug a Tree Most Easily

There are infinite reasons to hug a tree. What is yours?

Welcome: Let the Wind, The Breath, the Energy Guide You

February 10, 2021 by jjscreativelifemidwife 1 Comment

“Stop the words now

Open the window in the center of your chest

And let the spirits fly in and out.”

Rumi

Strange, for a writer to say “Stop the words now.”

A speaker, a teacher, a purveyor of messages. How is it possible to stop the words now?

I turn on my timer not to create a sense of urgency, but to create a container for the window to open. Window, open.

Window.

Open.

A part of me wants to rush to my earlier writings about windows and doors and architecture and spaces where wind moves in and out and creates mini-zephyrs where the curtains blow freely, creating a fabric dance so that spirit takes form so I may see, so I may understand.

I don’t mean to rush in, but I remember saying to a group I gathered to write beside the river, “If you think the wind is invisible, look – there on the hillside – where the wind is taking form in how it moves the grasses, the song it is making for us. Look and hear and feel the invisible take form.”

Window.

Open.

Invisible, forming. Becoming tactile, tangible, when we open the window in our chest and invite it to show us, show us, show us.

I echo Joy or Jo have briefly forgotten and I don’t want to look away yet. I am echoing the poet laureate, Ms. Harjo in her poem. Today. On that podcast I stumbled across.

Stumbling isn’t failing it is finding.

Window.

Open.

Spirits.

Fly.

Breath in and out.

Inhale. Fill. Exhale, Release.

Feel how perfectly the body works.

Am I ready to accept the perfection of my body, even as it is in this uncomfortable unknowing space, that space of a mass – tumor – whatever it is attached to my ribs and reaching across my sternum?

I can’t call it by a specific name: is it a window, is it a door, is it an inhale is it an exhale, is it simple an “is” – a mass, a tumor, a growth.

I realize in continuing to write I might give it a name like I gave my melanoma a name before I knew I had melanoma. I think I called her Nora. I allowed myself to get wrapped up in fear but calling her “Nora” it was like calling my elbow an elbow.

In this being with Rumi how could I have forgotten “Guest House”? It goes like this:

Translated by Coleman Barks

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

=======

Perhaps these words are to be my constant companion for these next two weeks, as I wait and as I experience my next stage of being with all aspects of this body of mine.

Welcoming and being grateful? Is that what I am meant to be?

I may be tired of this role I have been given, and that doesn’t mean I am to turn from it and turn inward entirely. I may take my time with sharing and maybe I will share in the moment.

Presence often waits until we are willing to be silent, take a moment or two for gazing out the window.

That’s where I will sit and stand and inhale and exhale and yes, open the window for now.

Julie Jordan Scott is not only the Creator of the Radical Joy of Consistency Course , she also hosts the free writing community on Facebook – the Word Love Writing Community. Join us now as we’re preparing for a brand new 8 day challenge and a new book club. Request your membership now here:

Word Love Writing Community:

The Radical Joy of Daily Consistency course helps people practice consistency and completion daily in order to experience a more incredible life experience. She came to this conclusion after almost dying and coming back to true healing by writing 377 consecutive haiku… and a lot more along her way to building that streak! To find out more about this program, visit this link, here.

Empty Days & Mondays Never Get Me Down

February 9, 2021 by jjscreativelifemidwife 4 Comments

“I always forget how important the empty days are, how important it may be sometimes not to expect to produce anything, even a few lines in a journal.”

May Sarton

There was a time when I would agree wholeheartedly with May Sarton’s assertion – until I became a person who has been saved by streaks: creating something for consecutive days.

Are Streaks Crutches I Use, To Get Through a Tough Time?

Maybe in the future, I won’t feel compelled by the “crutch” of streaks, but right now in my current situation, streaks sustain me as much as air and water and friends who laugh with me not at me.

I sit with my fingers hovering above the keyboard wondering what to write next, wondering how vulnerable to allow myself to be.

I think of the power of writing for five minutes, free flow style, to allow the words to bring me wisdom rather than me attempting to point myself toward wisdom and bend the words to fit into the directions I am willing them into that particular shape.

So I am choosing to craft a prompt and check in and see what the words want to tell me.

Free Flow Writing Creates a Bridge Between Negative Associations and Truth

With the timer set for five minutes, I write:

The empty days are my friends, long and lean and not holding expectations beyond breath and light and opening my eyes to gaze about, without measure, without need simply because it feels good.

Empty days say “What would you most like to do today?”

Empty days say “Which clothes would feel the best today?”

Empty days say, “The only rules you must follow are the rules that bring you happiness and joy.”

So, Madame Empty Day (my pencil writes) if joy is permitted than I am also allowed to fill this day with – a jot or a line or a walk along the river to the place where there is graffiti under the bridge? It is ok for me to sit and listen and take photos and reach out to my friends to let them know I am connecting to them, even tat this difference, is that ok?

Empty days allow me to make choices, not be barred by rule-tenders.

Naturally, your higher self may ask you to consider deepening your query.

“Like I’ve been doing today?” I pause to ask Madame Empty Day, “Like I’ve been discerning if my choice was less than or my occasionally Anti-Karen-Karen-ness is a story that might not be completely empowering?”

She nodded and smiled, showing I was getting somewhere and moving beyond the first meanings I was making from the initial assessment alone.

That feels good. That feels right. That feels at peace.

I now know the battle is more likely between what I have made a streak mean (a job well done, consistently, is a help-mate and a partner in creativity) versus what if I fail? I can’t do this. This expectation is too high and I am bound to fall flat on my face and that would be another tale for another blogpost.

The Final Word on to Streak or Not to Streak is….

We make our own rules in the end. We are subject and sovereign, ruler and the one who is ruled. Consistency creates strength.

Choosing not to be consistent creates choosing not to be consistent. It isn’t bad on its own. For me, consistency also consistently leads to better.

When I am consistently facing in the direction of courageous action rather than fearful stagnant in action, things turn in the direction of courage and everything that goes with courage.

=====

Julie Jordan Scott is the Creator of the Radical Joy of Consistency Course which helps people practice consistency and completion daily in order to experience a more incredible life experience. She came to this conclusion after almost dying and coming back to true healing by writing 377 consecutive haiku… and a lot more along her way to building that streak! To find out more about this program, visit this link, here.

When Showing Up Isn’t and IS Enough: Try This On

February 6, 2021 by jjscreativelifemidwife 3 Comments

Sometimes I don’t manage to do all I would like to do and yet, I am always grateful when I show up and when I try. It reminds me of what Brene Brown says, “The willingness to show up changes us, it makes us a little braver each time.”

I have a long history of giving up before I start, so showing up and following through has been infinitely important as I have been soldiering through lately, trying to keep my chin up and my eyes high even when I would rather close my eyes and lean back on my recliner as if there was nothing else to do.

For this lunar cycle I made up a fun affirmation I plan to continue into the next one: “Following through is flowing through and I deserve to flow where I am going.”

What I have found is when I stop showing up, I have forgotten I deserve to feel good.

Somewhere along the course of not showing up, of showing up for others and not myself, of showing up with one easily removed toe-dip into the water I decided to agree with the lies I am unworthy.

Usually these “You aren’t was worthy as you think you are!” lies get loud as the day wears on and it is obvious I won’t come close to reaching my tendency-to-be-high goals and aspirations for myself.

Today, I remembered the potency of such lies – and while I remember “Following through is flowing through and I deserve to flow were I am going,” I also recognize lowering my expectations and showing myself a healthy dose of compassion is sometimes much more important than powering through or ignoring my desires at all.

Showing up and not quite reaching our own expectations is NOT letting ourselves off the hook, it is allowing our humanity to show.

I am human and sometimes that means I don’t reach the heights a super-human might reach. Comparing myself to impossible to reach goals is as harmful to comparing my swimming speed to an Olympic medalist.
I tried – and while some sage characters in popular movies may assert, “There is no try, there is only do” there are many ways trying – showing up and taking action – is doing.
Being a “winner” may mean the bar is set too low. Try that one on for size – and open your arms and heart to continuing and starting and continuing and starting and continuing.

Doesn’t it feel better to be compassionate with yourself by looking at the reality – it is fantastic to have inspirational goals – and showing up even if they aren’t reachable yet is sometimes the very best action possible.

5 Simple Tips for Your Intentionally Wonderful Weekend

February 5, 2021 by jjscreativelifemidwife 5 Comments

A woman is sitting on a sofa, looking relaxed as she is intentionally creating a restorative weekend for herself.

Has it been a long week for you, too?

How to Intentionally Create a Weekend that Will Nurture a Better Next Week

I am sitting on Friday eve as I write this, thinking “please, God, I would love to have a better week next week than this week,” and while prayer is often the best medicine, prayer alone won’t do much if I am not actively collaborating with the Divine.

Before you let go of the Friday workday (or early Saturday morning) there are a few steps you may take to insure a fruitful, restful weekend to be a foundation for a marvelous week-to-come.

5 Do-Able Tips for Weekend Rest & Rejuvenation

Include mindful conversation with people outside your usual circle of companions and co-workers. Pay attention to listening without an agenda – simply listening because it is the foundation of good relationships of all kinds.
When possible, spend time outdoors – even if it is standing outside your front door for five minutes. No matter how cold, it will be invigorating. No matter how warm, you will activate your senses in a new way.
Move your body differently than you’ve done during the week. Take an extra five minutes for playfulness at the end of exercise. Have you wanted to try some new form of fitness? Try it, briefly, and see if it fits for you.
If you have been spending more than four hours watching television or movies, try reading a book instead. Try reading aloud to yourself to see how it changes the experience.
Leave adequate time for “should-free” planning. Look at the week ahead after exercising a bit more, mindfully conversing, re-connecting your senses and unplugging for a bit and notice what shows up differently. Express gratitude for what you have discovered and uncovered. Instead of lamenting the start of the new week, recognize what you would prefer to experience more of and set your plans and intentions accordingly.

This weekend, lay the foundation to start your week off with loving kindness for yourself.

Julie JordanScott enjoying time in nature during a mindful, intentional, wonderful weekend. — Sunday afternoon, in the park, restored by an intentionally wonderful weekend

Your Team is Assembling: Welcome Them to Your Infinite Game

February 5, 2021 by jjscreativelifemidwife 2 Comments

I may look like I am sitting in my living room in Bakersfield, but I am truly I looking down at my feet as I walk down Carteret Street in Glen Ridge, New Jersey in 1972 0r 1973 with my siblings and my father. We are on the way to the park to play softball.

The dread filled my body from the soles of my navy blue canvas sneakered feet to my chest because I knew in moments we were going to become teams with winners and losers and my little ten-or-eleven-year-old self couldn’t deal with the thought of once again being the weakest link and the cause of my teammates losing simply because they were cursed to have me on the team.

My optimistic little self was worried about being the cause of “my team’s loss” due to my ineptitude.

“Can we play with no teams, no winners, no losers, no scoring game?” little optimistic Julie asked hopefully?

I not only heard the gasp and the laughter, I can feel the inevitable rise of red from my chest to my face in my nearly five decades later body.

The ridiculousness of this assertion was quoted back to me for years. “No points, no winners, no losers” would be enough to make my siblings laugh for years.

Today, I am reading “The Practice: Shipping Creative Work” by Seth Godin.

In this book he talks about Simon Sinek, James Carse and “The Infinite Game.”

Two quotes stand out. “Play to keep playing,” is directly from Seth Godin. He is standing in the infinite game which isn’t about the winner’s triumph over the loser. Winner and loser doesn’t compute.

A second quote echoes what I had said so many years ago:

“The infinite game has no winners or losers, no clock or scoreboard. It is simply a chance to trust ourselves enough to participate.”

I remember walking back toward Hawthorne Avenue after the game ended. My little, optimistic self had indeed lived up to my self fulfilling prophecy of the weakest link on whatever team was stuck with me. My head was down, looking at my sneakers again as I fought tears.

Little did I know there were people who are on the team, like me, who I had no idea existed.

Listen as these bits and pieces of life experience from 2021 weave together in a cosmic time warp that makes perfect sense.

Recently I heard Quilen Blackwell on Simon Sinek’s podcast, “A Bit of Optimism” In the midst of conversation Quilen said, “Life is not a solo sport.” He had been telling his story of showing up and trusting the way would find him, complete with collaborators who would offer solutions he might not have considered.

Simon walked him back saying, “I think you may have offered the best definition of faith I’ve ever heard: you’re on a team and you don’t know who is on your team.”

Often we don’t know who our teammates are until we step up to receive our assignment – whether that day it is hugging a tree or going for an MRI or teaching your first webinar or starting a business that seems completely wacky to the rest of the world.

My teammates are my collaborative partners in this wild adventure I call my life in all its ups and downs, dark corners and crevices.

I would say our teammates even appreciate and value us just because we’re collaborating in this infinite game of life we all dedicate ourselves to continue to play. They don’t mind the cracks, dark corners and crevices because they are smart enough to know they have their own, too.

These people who make up our infinite game team. This is why I keep showing up both out in the “real world” 2021 style or here, on the page with you.

I’ve had bits and pieces of this written since the middle of last week, before I listened to the “A bit of optimism” podcast, proving more teammates will show up precisely when you are at your most needy.

I sat back in my chair just now to feel the mass growing in my chest. It is larger than it was when I had my CT Scan. It will probably be larger when I have the MRI that is scheduled for 2 weeks and 6 days from now. My team is assembling.

I am choosing to show up and trust, every day, over and over again.

You who are reading are on my team now. I welcome you.

Subtract Anxiety, Add Peace

February 4, 2021 by jjscreativelifemidwife 2 Comments

I wrote a poem today.

I wrote into my phone, in the driveway. It is perhaps more a “pre-poetry jot” then a full fledged poem.

It felt good to write no matter what “it” is.

A tall cottonwood behind a chain link fence at sunset. Title is "Learning from Transition Into Dusk. Staying Calm even when it isn't easy)

Last night I took a sunset walk at the Panorama Vista Preserve. I wanted to walk and I wanted to take photos like I used to, just for the joy, and I wanted to experience the transition from light to darkness.

It was during this walking time I wrote bits of a different poem in my head.

Experiencing natural transitions are soothing and make transitions I am experiencing with my health feel more normal as well. The transition from feeling healthy, full speed ahead to “something is going on but I cannot label it or know what’s next” uncomfortableness would very easily drive me into a higher level of anxiety – which isn’t good for my body and healing in any way.

I sat on a bench facing east during sunset, which is strange for me. Usually I stare at the sun as she moves out of sight, but I was enjoying watching birds fly as dusk settled. Birds whose names I don’t know who prefer low to the earth shrubs, a hawk cruising for a meal, and two loud ravens flew past. As the sun disappeared under the horizon, the burned dust smell of the Southern San Joaquin Valley rose once again making me wish I had an adequate way to capture it in words.

I’m still working on holding “scent of dust” or a better way to say it is I am waiting for the words to reveal themselves to me. Even better than that is the scent of dust is working on me rather than me working on it.

As I turned to leave the preserve I thought, “hmm. No rabbits are out yet.” In 2020, rabbits were a nearly constant companion on my walks here.

I also noted the gorgeousness of nightfall with a grand cottonwood tree, fenced into the yard beside the preserve.

It reminded me of my mass (tumor, growth). I can feel it, I can see it on the outside of my body, but I can’t get close enough to my own interior to know the impact it may have on my life.

I didn’t fall into worry or anxiety with these thoughts, I simply admired the cottonwood and with great self love, gave myself more moments of compassion. Stepping back into my car, I smiled softly.

As I drove toward home, a rabbit sat beside the road. She didn’t hop away, didn’t appear scared, she simply sat as I drove past as if to say “We’ve got this. No need to be afraid.”

I wrote to my primary care doctor and received a response. Today my personal challenge is to call the surgeon and check on the referral for the MRI. Keep the energy moving toward healing. Continue to assemble to the team with love rather than fear.

In my mind’s eye and deep in my heart, I will stand with the cottonwood in admiration without the need to get too close yet.