“I have turned away from myself, ” I thought, this morning.
A trigger, a “oh no not that!” feeling rose from my gut. It wasn’t a running away screaming with my arms flailing, it was a quietly tip toe away so no one notices and climbing into a corner behind a curtain so that no one would take notice of my disappearance and then….
I realized this is what I have habitually done.
Past, present and now with awareness may cross off my “to-do” list or “to be forgiven for when arises in the future” list.
So interesting, this self-witness thing because in the turning away from myself, I am actually turning away from the gifts I bring to this world, it is like shutting off a valve of all that is good and right and pleasing to others as well as myself.
Do you ever find yourself doing this? Please tell me I am not alone in this.
I give myself the gift of five minutes to write and I find myself holding my face in my hands like in “The Scream” by Edvard Munch except my face is lifeless and numb, not outwardly screaming at all but…..
Perhaps this is the quintessential Julie scream. Numb, not even noticing myself pull away until I have sunk into unconscious disconnection.
I look around the room. My messy art table, my floor that needs a once (or several times) over.
Note to self. You are seeing. You are feeling. You are writing. You are alive.
You have now turned back to yourself.
Well done, good and faithful friend.
I’ve been absent from here. My intention is to write a five-minute-blog post daily (or as close as I’m able) starting in July and figured this was as good a time as any to begin. I literally grabbed a random photo as a header… it fit… and am looking forward to writing this week with the #5for5BrainDump I’m running this week. Here’s to taking off the numb and beginning again, again.
Oddly enough, or maybe not oddly at all, my reach for “Quietude ” has worked so well, that not much at all stresses me out. I feel, but don’t freak. I see, but don’t emote. Can quiet back fire? Or is it simply a matter of balance. That is what I long to find out this week. To remove any sluggishness, and add just the right about of breathing, feeling, seeing, emoting.
When I ignore my self my body seeks revenge, or better, hits me with a warning. I had another migraine attack today, a rather strange occurrence in which i become stupid for 40 minutes while my son talk me through my fear to loose my mind.
Tomorrow is a day of self care and I will out up notes!!!! not to forget my self again.
I’m so sorry to hear about your migraine. I trust it is better, now.