This post was written in two successive #5for5BrainDump sessions with several editing sessions. It started stream-of-consciousness and came back with – how to state this clearly.
For now, two hours, dishes done, conversations with Emma in process, a little mopping of the kitchen floor and moisturizing my face – it is done. For now. >> See Julie smile a slight smile of acceptance.<<
Now for the Rewriting of the Narrative:
If I had my way I would climb into a bubble with a caretaker and a loving team of comrades to support me by doing what I am not gifted at doing or simply don’t like to do.
I look up and see a cobweb in front of me and I think, “I need to sweep away that cobweb when I’m done writing.”
Here’s the thing: normally I wouldn’t confess to seeing a cobweb for fear it might make me look bad and that one small choice to not be authentic and not tell the truth and not be real starts building a leaning tower that slowly and surely degrades so much of what is true and right and crackly and painful and hilarious and embarrassing and endearing and very possibly even loveable.
That saying nothing, that holding back what we have deemed “Untalkaboutable” puts us in a stranglehold.
I remember a session I had with not my most recent therapist but the one before her. I was concerned about my self-destructive behavior so we talked for 45 minutes before I showed her my arm. My forearm, wracked with deep scratches and bruises I had levied upon myself in deep frustration days before. Scratches I kept hidden because I didn’t want anyone to see the evidence left behind from not talking about what was at the root of my upset, the core of my being.
I take a breath as I continue to write, as I attempt to continue to write.
I fold my hands first in the traditional protestant prayer and then in a more eastern “Namaste” expression… praying for the boldness to keep “talking” on the page, to please continue this pattern of progress simply because my old way of being would be to skate along the surface and only occasionally go deep enough to be restorative.
“Change the language” a sort of command or request bubbles up from deep within:
I am grateful for my relationship with prayer, that I know I may always turn to prayer for comfort and guided action. Prayer says, “I am not alone, even if there are no humans around I feel safe enough to speak my depths to, there is always divinity and there is always the page.”
I am indicating that here. I am taking back my sovereign crown from here by writing these words here, dropping them one letter at a time, allowing the thoughts and meaning and letting go to bring what wants to be said into the open, into the light, and then shared with others so that they may be recognized and be willing to be stand up, to speak, to be heard.
Sometimes the page is a prayer. The page is bigger than a human and on the road to divinity.
The timer went off without me knowing, as sometimes happens lately I believe a divine thing and a call to go deeper with my writing.
Leave the keyboard and move to replace need, want, must, have to, should into excited, grateful, pleased, anticipation
Note to self and you: this is normally when I abandon my writing, when I stop going any deeper with my words because it looks and feels scary and I don’t want to face whatever might come next. In so doing, I have missed a lot of light, a lot of hope, a lot of joy and who knows what else.
Back at the keyboard, I take a few moments to write:
I found these words, replacements to the “lack” words I listed above….
Instead of “I want, I need, I am missing” in the future remember to use, “I am inspired by the possibility of,” and “I am exhilarated to think…” and “I am stirred up with anticipation of….” along with the base words of motivated, roused, excited, activated,.enchanted…
Instead of “worried” or “afraid” or the like, “I am appreciative of the opportunity to” and “I am thankful for this moment because…” and “I am content with purely…. (being here now, feeling this moment completely, having what I have…” along with my favored “I am looking forward to” and “I am most satisfied by…”
I realize as I wrote any and all of these may be writing prompts, too, to gain more clarity.
I look up from the list and see where I have swept away the cobwebs when I was in between moments of writing. Small bites, baby steps, sweet moments of satisfaction I may point to as evidence and not be ashamed.
I hear my neighbor’s dog bark. I think how many years have gone by without sharing niceties, such a simple thing. I look forward to a time when I feel more mutual compassion with neighbords. I remember when… one of my cats got stuck under their house when they were getting work done on it.
The wife was known for complaining about how much she hates cats.
I remember feeling panic about my cat, Tina, being trapped and how we could possibly get her out. Samuel came with me and we brought a can of tuna to coax her. I was worried about getting any dust specks on their hard wood floor. I was afraid when Samuel came out from under the house he would leave traces of dust or worse, dirt, and they would be made at me (as if that was anything unusual.)
We could hear Tina meow from under the house. Samuel crawled into the space under their house. She wouldn’t come, she was scared, too.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we collectively stopped being afraid?
I keep hearing my neighbor’s voice, he must have sensed my worry and fear and he said to me repeatedly, “Julie, no harm no foul,” after Samuel successfully encourage the kitty to come to the surface and allow herself to be rescued.
I remember fighting tears then like I am fighting them now.
I hear my neighbor’s voice now, talking about the dog.
Emma seems worried because I am crying.
It sounds like the word prayer is said. I don’t know if it was or it wasn’t though perhaps I’ll claim it.
Old Narrative: People who don’t like me are always ready to find me in the wrong and make me feel more shame than I already do, naturally.
New Narrative: People are people, each with weaknesses and strengths and mostly self-absorbed.
New Narrative Question: What untalkaboutable subjects are calling me to pay attention? What small step may I take to wash away the fear as well as bring the untalkaboutable into the light?
From the italicized: Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we collectively stopped being afraid? our prompt: “What may I choose to do daily (or near daily) to lessen my day-to-day fear or anxiety?”
Devote 5 minutes daily to take action on any new insights you have from this experience.
Are you interested in reading more about Rewriting Narrative: Below is a list of three recent posts to visit and read;
- Mindshift from “I’m a Bother to I’m a Blessing”
- Move from Destabilizing Fear into Sweet Courage
- Free Yourself from Banishment: Express, Strengthen, Heal, Awaken
Julie Jordan Scott inspires people to experience artistic rebirth via her programs, playshops, books, performances and simply being herself out in the world. She is a writer, creative life coach, speaker, performance poet, Mommy-extraordinaire and mixed-media artist whose Writing Camps and Writing Playgrounds permanently transform people’s creative lives. Watch for the announcement of new programs coming in soon!
To contact Julie to schedule a Writing or Creative Life Coaching Session, call or text her at 661.444.2735.